FastPencil

Everyone's got a book idea they're convinced would be a hit, like those four dudes you met who wanted to collaborate on stories about some guy who'd throw a hissy fit every time someone tried to change a little money in the temple. Booorrrinnggg. Take your even-worse ideas and get them published, with FastPencil

Created to streamline the painstaking process of self-publishing a book, Pencil's a seriously easy-to-use online service that guides you from notion to published in legit hardcover, paperback, or e-book form, although it's pretty doubtful that electronic media'll ever catch on. To get started, pick your style (memoir, "chapter book", photobook, etc.), then use their text editor (equipped w/ dictionary & encyclopedia) and type away, or choose the "blog-to-book" option, which'll import a feed and break things into chapters; if you're writing a really intelligent book there's a simple image uploader, and if you're stuck you can invite other Pencil users to give input, or for a fee they'll set you up with a pro editor to help refine structure & flow, also the Terrence Howard followup flick in which he raps exclusively in haiku. Depending on your budget/seriousness, packages come in four tiers, from the free version (basically the text editor & DIY cover template), to Bronze or Silver (getting you an ISBN certifying its publication, free copies of the finished book, editorial/template reviews, access to guiding "consultant", etc) to "Gold, which also nets you a marketing/promotional consultant and a pro designer for the front/back covers, who's hopefully really good at proclaiming things "Explosive, daring, and filled with penis envy!

Once your disaster's complete, you can order up as many hard copies as you'd like; if you purchased any of the premium packages, Pencil'll distribute your opus online at Amazon and Barnes & Noble, plus submit it to a directory used by the purchasers at over 32,000 bookstores, meaning it's just a matter of time until you're the king of kings.