Grandmas are renowned for their doting love, bestowing home-baked comestibles and recklessly comforting hugs upon their second-gen spawn, but for some reason, yours just keeps sending you cold, uncaring money. Use that coin to buy an authentic slice of granny affection, from GoldenHook.
A Parisian outfit that uses indentured nanaservants to knit from scratch toasty noggin-mitts designed by you, Hook caters to individuals who're "quirky, stylish, alcoholic, enraged, and perhaps cross-eyed with a huge nose" -- so Humpty's gettin' a hat! To start, choose from three basic woolen-hat shapes (regular, long, and the earflap/drawstring'd Peruvian, each available w/ pompon), declare your size, then select the hues you want (from the 34 offered) for each of 20-plus horizontal knit lines; the first three colors're free, with each additional costing a few bones, proving it ain't easy being Liberacheesy. When your woolly vision is set, it's time to select the matronly Franco-gammy who'll realize it; peruse the too-cute photos/bios of six rigorously-trained choices, including Sarah (85 years old, seven grandkids, ex-dairywoman, "absolute fan of the Wheel of Fortune"), Simone (loves "neo-geo" haircuts), and Salima, who writes "Elle se specialise dans les bonnets PANDA qui vont bientot arriver"...you go, Salima!
While Hook's how-to manual suggests you can upgrade from wool to cashmere, angora, or even alpaca, those options are conspicuously absent during hat creation -- fitting, considering that grandmas are also renowned for being completely senile.