A tattooed former tech writer wants you to eat her meat

Getting fired's an excellent impetus to explore what you really want to do with your life, though excessive masturbation is probably what got you fired in the first place. Hoping to actually make a living doing the jerk, the woman behind Cherry's Bad Ass Beef Jerky.

Cherry's an Okie-raised country-rock enthusiast who'd put her OSU technical-writing master's to work locally for a decade before getting the boot; inspired by her cook-hobbyist dad, she started making her own jerky eight years ago, but thanks to her sudden joblessness has now decided to become a professional stripper. Of dried beef. Sorry. For her unique process, Cherry starts with fresh, pre-trimmed inside-/top- round cuts from a local Mexi-market butcher, then bathes each lean slice individually for 2-5 days (as opposed to the usual 1-2) in a cayenne powder-spiked, Worchestershire/soy/liquid-smoke base marinade; after that, the sticks spend 12-15hrs in a consumer-grade dehydrator, which Cherry's found more reliable than commercial ones (Oh Boy! could that affect Oberto's bottom line). For now, the vacuum-sealed final product's available in two flavors: black-pepper Mild, and cayenne/jalapeno-juiced Spicy, with whole jalapeno slices embedded in the meat, so when you're lost in the desert you'll have a source of protein that'll redouble your efforts to find that water.

Sweet-and-hot Teriyaki's coming soon, as well as a non-meat product: roasted candied pecans infused with the same base sauce as the beef, because when unemployment's made you too lazy to even masturbate, you can at least play around with your nuts.