MMA Masters

Sure, at the arcade you can do a hurricane kick, a dragon punch, and a tiger uppercut, but what exactly are you supposed to do when you run out of quarters, walk outside, and see someone stealing your E. Honda? For a gym that'll figure that out for you, get your butt to MMA Masters.

Filling a 15,000sqft warehouse just north of downtown, brand-new Masters is a murderous wonderland of mats, heavy bags, speed/double-end bags, and an MMA cage; recently adopted by world's-best-pound-for-pound-fighter Anderson "The Spider" Silva as his go-to Miami gym, it's also teaching you mixed-martial-techniques thanks to bloodthirsty instructors like US Fight League Champ Luis "Baboon" Palomino and Daniel Valverde, who somehow became jiu-jitsu World Champ without the aid of a silly animal nickname. They'll turn you into a deadly maniac starting with ground game classes in both gi jiu-jitsu, (where you learn to manhandle or choke someone out actually using the traditional "gi" robe), and non-gi jiu-jitsu, where you'll learn arm bars, ankle locks, Kimuras designed to dislodge shoulders, and moves that cut off an opponent's air supply (note: generally accomplished by unplugging huge headphones from 8-track). For stand-up action, Masters'll learn you in Muay Thai for throwing knees and elbows, judo for hip tosses and overall grappling prowess, and boxing for hard-to-stop hand combination and footwork; finally, "MMA classes" pull together all the above arts, teaching which skills from each to use and which to avoid if you're serious about chasing your dreams and...taking more classes.

If you lack a desire to permanently injure people, there's a Saturday boot camp utilizing combat movements and 20 Nautilus machines; to equip yourself, there's also a pro shop where you can buy wraps, sparring/MMA gloves, headgear, shin guards, and groin protection -- crucial in ensuring you won't end up shooting Blankas.