10 Atlanta Bars You Can’t Go Into After 30
How do you know you’re too old for a bar? Maybe it’s when everyone else says, “who’s this?” when The Who comes on the jukebox. Or when you realize the place is full of college kids. Or maybe if you have to ask the question... Make it easy on yourself by checking out our list of Atlanta bars you can’t go to after 30, and remember, the kids are alright... without you.
The fat lady has indeed sung on your time inside Midtown’s tourist-iest 20-somethings ballroom, and it’s a tune whose lyrics are “you don’t belong.” Reasons include “college” Wednesdays, nights where they actually say “21+”, a dress code your grown ass actually has zero problem passing, and the occasional Saturday teen night. But still, you always see a few too-old-for-any-opera-that-doesn’t-include-Nessun Dorma folks who nobody warned. At least now you can’t say you’ll be one of them.
Even the hot bartenders can’t stop making duck faces long enough to tell you your Greyhound bus to a Florida retirement home is about to leave you if you don’t haul ass out the door. Pretty much a sloshy wasteland of UGA preps, you should feel the shame of maturity with every Fireball shot you buy for random halter-topped coeds.
There was a time when you were young and worldly. You went to a basement in a hidden place (basically not that far from the sewer line in Midtown) and mingled with folks from different cultures, all who, like you, could simultaneously love Jameson Jell-O shots and Nelly. Nowadays, the same songs you and those “friends” loved are heard in constant rotation on one of ATL’s new “old-school hip-hop” radio stations. Nah, your Sutra days have passed. Don’t even slow down your Nissan LEAF long enough to let them see the tears fall as you cruise down Crescent, past the entrance.
This might hurt. No doubt; MJQ is great. The long-standing and much-loved club has been around since 1994, hosting legendary performances and parties: it’s one of the most authentic places in town. It’s also a place where you’ve gotta sometimes push past fake-musty hipsters (the kids who can afford deodorant but choose not to use it because they’re so with it, man) just to get a drink because the place is always crazy-packed. You’re too old for that.
Old Fourth Ward
30-year-olds were too old for this new spot as soon as it opened in 2013. By now you should have realized that 1) everybody seems to be wearing a long designer tank top and leggings except you, and 2) the moment you step out of this place onto Edgewood, you should call your own mother and apologize for not growing up.
It’s just not worth the depression, dude. Those girls are looking for Taylor Kitsch, or the guy who’s playing Apollo Creed’s son in that new Rocky movie. You know, beautiful people... and not beautiful in the way your grandmother always says you are, because like her, you’re old. Also, the mere fact that you’re able to pay for so many high-priced cocktails is a sign that you’re past your prime. Also, did you just order a glass of red wine??
Just stop it. Sure you can get pizza here, but really... you’re here for the close proximity to GA Tech and the cheap shots. Hopefully someone takes one at you... to knock some adult sense into you, obviously. At some point you have to leave campus dude, and just because Rocky Mountain is just outside the gates doesn’t mean it’s really separate. Shame on you.
What the hell would you be doing here anyway? Going to a Meek Mill album release party? Dancing really hard to an EDM set by a deejay you've never heard of? Don’t play yourself. There’s a pool hall somewhere that has a jukebox with that Blink-182 song you love, or you might still be able to catch karaoke night at Corner Tavern -- it added more TLC songs to the book.
Everyone is still claiming to be in a fraternity or sorority except you (hopefully). Everyone’s face says “I have access to a lot of money I didn’t have to earn.” Everyone is too young to dress as old and golfy as they do. This one might actually be the easiest to walk away from. You really have matured!
Back in the ‘90s when it was known as Montre’s, this building was your only strip club option if you were a freshman at Morris Brown, Clark-Atlanta, or Morehouse (maybe Spelman too, on the low). If you’re still going here and you’re over 20, it’s because you’re either the world’s dumbest freshman or you’re goofy enough to think you might actually catch a girl from the AUC stripping close to campus, where everybody could find out. No, my friend; those young ladies are probably somewhere far away like Oasis making suburb-quality tips, and you can probably still hear the echo of Laurence Fishburne screaming at you to “WAAAAAKE UUUUP!” from when they taped School Daze over here in the late ‘80s.
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