It is no secret that Chicagoans like to drink -- especially if it’s during the weekend or a day ending in "y." But what if instead of being a city filled with a million (or so) bars, Chicago was one big bar and each of the neighborhoods was personified as a patron? Step into our fabricated Twilight Zone, and hold onto your butts.
Everyone is asking Avondale if he walked in with Logan Square, and he makes it very clear that he most definitely did not. Logan Square isn’t even that cool anyway (“overrated”). Later on in the night, Avondale is spotted hitting on Logan Square pretty hard. Drink of choice: difficult-to-pronounce Polish beer.
Bridgeport is always the first one at the bar because he works nights. Pulling up a seat next to Bridgeport is a trip because he has an inexhaustible supply of jokes, many of which he picked up while hanging out at Joe’s Barbershop “over dere” on 26th St. Drink of choice: Schlitz-and-bourbon boilermaker.
The scarf game of Bucktown is incomparable. Always looking seasonally chic, Bucktown came home from her Downtown office and swapped her pantsuit for an Instagram-worthy outfit with the efficiency of a NASCAR pit crew. Once at the bar, she chats up everyone within a 5ft radius, dishing out charm left and right. If you didn’t know her, you’d never guess she was a cutthroat lawyer for an evil megacorp. Drink of choice: merlot.
Do not be fooled by Gold Coast. She may look distant while sidled up to the bar in her strapless dress, but she can put those drinks down in a hurry and get pretty loose. She’s divorced -- twice -- and your pickup lines will not work on her. She will, however, pounce on the first guy who piques her interest. A younger guy, of course. Drink of choice: French 75.