You're out drinking. Your four Cosmo-ritas arrive. Everyone picks them up (pinkies out), and someone starts in almost immediately, "Here's to..." and then he says something dumb he found online about friendships and cargo ships or something. Well, the next time this happens and that guy starts in, smack him across the face, think for a second what Chicago neighborhood you're in, and bust out one of these actually good, easy-to-remember, written-specifically-for-each-Chicago-neighborhood toasts.
This Enchanted Speakeasy Takes You Through a Revolving Door Back to the 19th Century Flickr/criminalintent Logan Square
“Here's to being the only guy in the bar with an un-ironic mustache!”
“Here’s to the ninth new condo going up this week and to the super-cool Lincoln Park transplants who will soon fill them all.”
“Here’s to the brave Cubs fan who’s upgraded from peeing in an alley to peeing in a trash can in the corner at Murphy’s.”
Flickr/mako_side_b River North
“Here’s to the interchangeable empty suits in button-downs and the bleary-eyed divorcees who can’t quite remember your name... even though they’ve asked you five times already.”
“Here’s to living in the San Francisco of rent districts, if San Francisco were filled with people who have no idea how to publicly conduct themselves at bars.”
“Here’s to living in a neighborhood as edgy as Naperville but as snobby as Winnetka.”
“Here’s to pretending to be a struggling artist living in a loft while cashing checks from your parents. Not a bad gig if you can get it.”
“Here’s to living in an incubator of creativity except your lifestyle consists of little more than trips to Whole Foods and the office and back.”
“Here’s to living in the Donald Trump of Chicago neighborhoods.”
“Here’s to living in a neighborhood whose sweet perks include proximity to Navy Pier and never having to make eye contact with another human being.”
“Here’s to thinking you’re a local at the Green Mill when really they have no idea who you are.”
“Here’s to pretending you’re still in college. Not that there’s anything wrong with pretending you’re still in college.”
“Here’s to being super cosmopolitan and taking advantage of great restaurants while your go-to meal at home is DiGiorno.”
“Here’s to telling everyone you live in the city and praying there’s no follow-up question.”
Flickr/darcie South Loop
“Here’s to continuing to believe you bought property in the next boom neighborhood. Any day now.”
“Here’s to making your friends spend $50 on a cab to your place while subjecting them to crimes against humanity such as
The Bake.” Humboldt Park
“Here’s to thinking the 606 will ruin the hidden gems in your 'hood when really you just found out about them last week. While
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Jay Gentile is a Thrillist contributor and proud 606 taker. High-five him on the trail: @innerviewmag.