Originally opened back when the Cubs were a perennial powerhouse (1906), Division Street Russian and Turkish Baths became a hotspot visited by the likes of Al Capone and Rev. Jesse Jackson before shuttering a couple of years ago. But fear not, it's now relaunched as Red Square, allowing you to combine your vodka with amenities like the above co-ed sauna
An all-day pass gets you admission to the spa, a robe, sandals, and a microchip-embedded wristband so you won’t lose your locker key even when you’re buck naked. In Russia, wristband wears you
They have Swedish, deep tissue, and warm stone massages for both loners and couples
If the heat's your thing, either go back to Miami or hit this a jacuzzi tub, then get hotter with wet and dry saunas that reach up to 180 degrees
The bar's design is just a few minarets short of emulating the city center in Moscow. Russia’s Red Square is where most major highways meet and where most dashboard cameras long to film crazy meteorites
The Moscow Mule (vodka, ginger beer, lime) is served in a copper mug and somehow made it through customs
An Italian take on a French 75, the Venetian 88 subs out champagne with Prosecco while adding orange bitters and lemon, and is not to be confused with a Norwegian 69, banned in most bathhouses
The dining room is designed like a 19th-century Ukrainian train complete with curtained televisions playing video of the countryside
A spoonful of Hackleback caviar, and... more vodka
The scallops are served with cauliflower puree, caviar and, more vodka! (Not pictured, but they'll bring it if you ask.
Pelmini pork dumplings with cabbage are plated with sour cream and dill that resembles an ugly Christmas sweater, but tastes better. Probably. Never actually tried Christmas sweater.