Food & Drink

11 Detroit Bars You're Not Allowed in Over 30

Things you’re not allowed to do when you turn 30: 1) the whip/nae nae, 2) date an 18-year-old, and 3) go to any of these 11 Detroit bars.

The Well

Greektown
Unless you’re part of a bachelor or bachelorette party, or some sort of roving caravan partaking in downtown adventure, going to The Well post-30 is a bad idea. Going to The Well post-22 is a bad idea. Imagine Jager bombs and bumping top 40s hits, where Madonna is considered oldies, guys who can’t yet grow facial hair wearing button-down shirts, and girls who have monthly memberships to a tanning salon. Amateur hour.

The Bronx (after 8pm)

Midtown
If you go into this bar past age 30, you likely fit into one of three categories: 1) you have a drinking problem, 2) you just moved here from Chicago or New York, or 3) you really, really love the Veggie Machine and know it’s one of the best sandwiches in the city.
 

Detroit Beer Co.

Downtown
If you're between the ages of 30-40, you are too old for this bar. If you are 40-50, you are too young. “How’s that?” you may ask. Simple: it’s a great bar to become acquainted with “craft brews” in your early drinking days. Once you’ve gutted down your fair share of Michigan pale ales, however, these will no longer make the cut. But, good news, your dad will love this place.

UFO Factory

Corktown
“But everyone I know who goes there is over 30!” Yes. But do they know that?
 

The Sugar House

Corktown
By 30, perhaps you’ve realized that spending $12 a cocktail in a place where people can gush over their favorite bartender’s new moustache art but not name a member of the city council is a tad revolting. You should save that money for your upcoming hip replacement, or to redecorate the crib room in 50 shades of taupe.

The Temple Bar (during dance parties)

Cass Corridor
Because at this age, let’s be honest, you just can’t move like you used to. Seriously, get your old ass home.

Hard Rock Café

Downtown
Once you’ve gazed longingly upon former belongings of the late Marvin Gaye, it's time to go, 'cause as much as you might like it there, as the man himself said you've “Got to Give It Up.”
 

TV Lounge

Downtown
If you can still party at the TV Lounge after age 30, you pretty much have made the choice to rage until your heart explodes into a million glittery pieces and they name a remix after you.

The Old Shillelagh

Greektown
Because slurring, misbehaving, chochy behavior is just not cute after 30 -- whether it’s yours or somebody else’s.
 

The Garden Bowl/Populux

Midtown
The Garden Bowl continues its streak as a longtime college (or at least college-aged) haunt. Meanwhile upstairs, the demolition of one of the city’s most storied rock clubs in favor of techno-friendly Populux means more spring chickens and less hairy old guitar players.

The Works

Corktown
If you’re too old for the TV Lounge, you’re definitely too old for The Works.

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Megan Frye can't go to any of her favorite bars after writing this article, so you'll have to settle for finding her on Twitter: @fryechild.