Captain Morgan

5 Great, Absurd Drinking Jokes

Dan Evans

People have probably been making jokes about drinking since the morning after history’s first adult beverage was consumed eons ago. (“Wine jug tell Atok, ‘Trust me, you can dance.’”) That’s a long time to build up an archive, and today, there’s a literally bottomless supply of drinking jokes, covering hundreds of categories. Here are five of our favorites (along with some bonus quips), from the more absurd end of the spectrum. Add ‘em to the repertoire for your next night out, and deluge your friends with some quality dad humor.

Gorilla Gouging

A gorilla walks into a bar, orders a Mai Tai, and hands the bartender a $20 bill. After recovering from his shock, the bartender thinks, Hey, this gorilla doesn’t know how much drinks cost, and hands him back one dollar in change, saying, “We don’t get too many gorillas in here.” The gorilla replies, “At 19 bucks a drink, I’m not surprised.”
 

Literary

What did the bartender say when Charles Dickens ordered a Martini? “Olive or twist?”


Meta Classic

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, a joke?”

Dan Evans

No Mention of the Talking Insect

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper says, “You have a drink named ‘Kevin’?”
 

Quick Thinking

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.


Bonus Jokes!

Forward Thinking

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer and a mop.”


Mixed Message?

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers please.”

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Courtesy of Captain Morgan

Bars are not only a time-honored setting for jokes (A man, his son, and a dog walk into a bar. “Ow!” “Ow!” “Woof!”), they’re also a great place for telling jokes, of course. Not even your most curmudgeonly pal would dispute that a round of drinks and a round of jokes among good friends is one of life’s greatest pleasures. But you have to come prepared, like the Captain. Keep a repertoire of fresh (or so stale they’re fresh) jokes at your fingertips to spark the good times.

Not Every Conspiracy is a Theory

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence!
 

Comedy Down to a Science

A proton and a neutron walk into a bar. They both order drinks. The neutron asks the bartender, “How much for the drink?” Bartender says, “For you, no charge.”
 

Once Upon a Time in the West

A three legged dog with a stetson on his head and a six-shooter on his hip walks into a saloon, gives the barkeep his best Clint Eastwood stare and says, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”