The first Saturday in May brings with it picnic season, the first day you can legitimately complain if the weather isn’t up to par and, of course, the Kentucky Derby at Churchill Downs. Somehow, the “most exciting two minutes in sports” actually takes seven hours to cover on television between two different networks (NBC and NBC Sports for those of you who don’t want to check your local listings). Coverage begins at noon, the big event goes off at 6:34 p.m., and the race is followed by the presentation of roses and interviews with the well-dressed trainer of the winning horse. That is a long day of horse racing—or, rather, waiting for horse racing. Even the Super Bowl is only on for six hours, and there’s almost four whole hours of actual football played. It would take a deep and abiding love for both Bob Baffert b-roll and hourly changes to betting odds to stick with Derby coverage throughout the day without a drink in hand. And what better way to pass the time with that drink than by playing our Kentucky Derby drinking game. Think about playing a few rounds with some breaks in the middle. Going from start to finish on Saturday could leave you needing to engage in some undignified behavior right into your oversized hat.
Alright, start pouring those Mint Juleps, here are the rules:
Have everyone pick a horse’s name out of a hat (here are the horses). Take a sip of your drink every time your horse is mentioned.
Take a drink every time they interview someone and it is clear they did it because of their outfit.
Take a drink when anyone calls the horses “athletes.”
At the first mention of the Triple Crown, go around the room and start naming race tracks. The first person who can’t do it needs to finish their drink.
Take a drink any time you can verify that a hat on screen costs more than your rent.
Take a drink every time the phrase “most exciting two minutes in sports” is uttered.
If anyone says the phrase “Cinco de Derby” make them drink. If someone says “Cinco de Derby” on TV, turn on Telemundo for 10 minutes (they’re counter programming the Derby with a Spanish language dub of the Val Kilmer ghost revenge vehicle The Traveler).
Take a drink every time you see someone on screen drinking a Mint Julep.
Whenever a celebrity appears on screen, the first person to name them gets to pick someone to drink.
Finish your drink if Johnny Weir has a full costume change.
Take half a shot if someone talks about the height of the jockeys.
Finish your drink whenever they show a pre-taped package on one of the horses and it looks like it has a better life than you do.
Finish your drink when the bugler plays the First Call.
Now strap in, it’s time for the most exciting two minutes in sports … oops, hold on. Now we have to take a drink.