Today's the day that everyone in America's taxes are due, which means two things: 1) you should probably get on that, and 2) now that you've gotten on that, you have no money. So, to help the ease the pain, we found a bunch of places so impressed by the fact that you downloaded Turbo Tax, they're willing to give you super-cheap food and drinks and, um, free vibrators or whatever
The Location: Oldfield's Liquor Room (10899 Venice, West LA)
What You're Getting and How to Get It: Show up between 7 and 9p and order up a "Triangle Revolt", and the rum/ apple brandy/ lime/ pineapple syrup/ bitters concoction will only be $1.
What You're Gonna Tell the Definitely-Tattooed Barman: "The first known system of taxation happened in Ancient Egypt around 3000 BC, when peasants were forced to either give a fifth of their grain to the Pharaoh, or work as forced laborers if they couldn't get in on the grain train. And yes, I do enjoy your newsie cap"
The Location: Daily Grill (Multiple locations throughout the city)
What You're Getting and How to Get It: Save $5 on a burger, fries, and soda at the classic chain, which's selling the combo for $10.40 today.
What You're Gonna Tell Your Extremely Enthusiastic Waitress: "Russian monarch Peter the Great taxed beards. And also souls and chimneys and basements. Wait, why are you still so happy?
The Location: The Bowery (6268 Sunset, Hollywood)
What You're Getting and How to Get It: Order an app and lunch, or dinner, and, BAM!, the gastropub'll hit you with any well drink you want, gratis.
What You're Gonna Tell the Guy Next to You Who Keeps Talking About His Burger: "The first electronically filed tax return was turned in on January 24, 1986. BY A NERD! Also, can I have your pickle?"
The Location: Bigfoot Lodge (3172 Los Feliz Blvd, Los Feliz)
What You're Getting and How to Get It: The Tax Day Daquiri (rum/ simple syrup/ lime) is only a buck from 5-7p.
What You're Gonna Tell the Guy with the Beard You Definitely Recognize from that One Band: "The IRS mails out eight billion pages of instructions and tax forms each year, or 300,000 trees. Captain Planet would freak the eff out."
The Location: BLT Steak (8729 Sunset, Hollywood)
What You're Getting And How To Get It: Just ask for a drink and they'll automatically knock 50% off, whether it's a cocktail, beer, or wine by the glass or bottle.
What You're Gonna Tell Your Struggling-Actor Waiter: "In 1991, after the Bulls beat the Lakers in the NBA Finals, California levied the so-called 'jock tax' on players from Chicago earning income in their state. Take that 'winners'!
The Location: LA Exchange (618 S Spring St, Downtown)
What You're Getting and How to Get It: Um, yeah, sooooo, look: you're getting a free vibrator. Your choice of a Trojan Tri-Phoria, or a Trojan Pulse. Yeah.
What You're Gonna Awkwardly Tell the Lady Who's Handing You the Vibrator: "Wait, this isn't a neck massager?!?"