West Hollywood No, you’re not allowed to ride a mechanical bull anymore. And no, you’re also not allowed to drink an entire carafe of Long Island iced tea. And no-no-no, you’re not allowed to then call an Uber and throw up on the side of it. No. NO.
West Hollywood You’ve got an old man heart now, and you’ve gotta make sure it gets the proper oxygen and reasonably priced drinks it deserves. Ain’t happenin’ at the sweaty shit show inside of Bar Lubitsch.
Silverlake Because you’re an adult now, and it’s time to play foosball on tables that aren’t broken. Also: go grab some sausage across the street at The Red Lion. Honestly, you have a better chance of getting your sausage grabbed there, too. BECAUSE YOU’LL BE HITTING ON PEOPLE YOUR OWN AGE.
Hollywood If you’re over 30 and playing beer pong in a bar, it’s definitely time to reevaluate things.
Santa Monica There are two O’Brien’s in Santa Monica -- one where you push your way through a crowded bar to get to a hotter-than-hell back room to see a probably-terrible band with a definitely-terrible sound mix, and the other where you dodge punches from an inevitable bar fight over something impeccably dumb. BOTH are places you’re no longer allowed in.
Santa Monica Oh you wanna be crowded and yelled at by UCLA bros while eating fried food and making your way through a labyrinthine abyss? NOPE, sorry. Forbodden.
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Wilder Shaw is a regular Thrillist contributor who is glad he didn’t go to college in LA, because he’d cry if he had to tell people they couldn’t go to his favorite college bar. Ask him which one it is on Twitter at @WilderShaw_ and Instagram at @wildershaw.