12 Miami Bars You Shouldn’t Go to After 30
A city famous for underage partying and an eternal Peter Pan syndrome should be a free for all, no? Nope. Even in Miami, there are establishments that you REALLY shouldn’t go to after a certain age. Here are 12 of ‘em.
Whether for lunch, happy hour, or dinner, this spot is always packed. Add a game to the mix and it’s damn near impossible to find a table. It gets even better when your neighboring table of 23-year-olds orders back-to-back picklebacks and 64oz Swampwater cocktails.
It’s located inside UM’s Student Activities Center. Enough said.
Just because every “hipster” is over 30 years old by now doesn’t mean they should keep hitting the same spots. And while this place’s taco “truck” bangs out legit eats, your creative soul can do much better than waiting mad time in line and inhaling secondhand marijuana smoke.
You’re probably too old to drink anything called “Moose Juice” as soon as you’ve graduated up from a sippy cup. But if the temptation of 85 different well liquors IN THE SAME FREAKING GLASS topped with what tastes like a melted box of Otter Pops is too much to keep you out of a bar full of people born during Clinton’s second term, well, you have bigger problems.
Even if you were part of the best-looking Greek system on the planet at Florida State, going to what’s basically a Broward County version of Potbelly’s after 30 makes you only slightly less creepy than the Shabooms. And the first time you find yourself trying to play Greek geography with a cute, recently graduated Tri-Delt and she says, “Yeah, I think that was my great-grand big's older brother,” you know it’s time to move on.
Sitting on what has been coined the “corner of doom,” it’s like college spring break is stuck on repeat here, what with all the shots, loud club music, wooooooooo girls, and even more shots.
You might think you’re never too old for a $20 all-you-can-drink special. Then you mix Skol, Ronrico, Montezuma tequila, and Old Crow, and definitely realize you are. And that hangover is absolutely not worth pretending you’re on spring break for two hours.
Much like with people, once your bar has appeared in an adult film, it’s hard to get anyone to take you seriously. Even with Bar Rescue’s best efforts, “The Hot Rock” lasted about as long as said adult film, and Sandbar has gone back to being what it’s best known as: a spot to drink beers the size of your head and Hurricanes topped with 151, and to dance on oversized lifeguard chairs. Post those pictures on Instagram and see how long it takes for your boss to call you into his office.
Even though hanging out at chain restaurant bars is really only acceptable if you’re traveling for work/live in Orlando, if said chain restaurant is the closest bar to college dorms then you’ve not only told the world your tastes haven’t grown up, you’ve told it that you haven’t either. Though if you’ve ever wondered what the latest and greatest in New Jersey fake identification looks like, this is your spot.
Sure, it’s a go-to for watching soccer matches with your bros, Guinness BBQ wings, and tossed chips, pero like it’s not cuuute when you have to fight your way through FIU chicks that still live with their parents in Kendall to get a beer at the bar.
We’ll give it props for its prime location and ocean views, but Wet Willie's and slushies are more of a just-turned-21(!!!)-year-old’s forte.
A bar that’s been home to more 16th birthday parties than Don Carter’s is really a place you should stop going once you’re of legal drinking age. Of course, they’ve cleaned the place up a bit, and vastly improved the beer selection, but if you find yourself drinking next to somebody born in 1997, it doesn’t really matter how long they aged that IPA.