Decisions, decisions. We make so many decisions each day that we just want to find a happy place where we don’t have to make them anymore, like our favorite bar. The place where the bartender knows what you want before you order, and no one judges you because you’ve worn the same shirt three days in a row. Your bar of choice says a lot about you, so check out these 22 Milwaukee bars to see what message you’re sending.
Getting dressed up for a night on the town means breaking out your cowboy hat and boots. You bribe every girl in a short jean skirt to ride the mechanical bull with a shot of Jaegermeister.
Historic Mitchell Street
Mad Men is your favorite show of all time, and you think this would be a really classy place to celebrate your anniversary next month. There’s at least one leisure suit hiding at the back of your closet, and it wasn’t a Halloween costume.
Your grandparents grew up a few blocks from here after their parents immigrated from “the old country.” Every wedding you attend includes a polka, and you always partake. Pronouncing the tap beers is only slightly harder than pronouncing your last name.
“They’ll always be the Marquette Warriors to me.”
You have a collection of spiced rum and various blue liqueurs. You klepto stuff from bars when you’ve had too much, and a volcano bowl would be the crowning glory of your collection.
You work downtown and tell your wife you work until 6pm so you can stop at Art’s every day for an hour before you return to the monotony you call life. You like free food, and you really like Art.
You don’t mind paying $30 for a cosmo and dessert one bit. Why yes, you do take selfies in the bathroom mirror.
You are so emotionally dependent on your dog after your girlfriend left you that you can’t even go to a bar without him.
You wish you could go back to a time when you went to Chuck E. Cheese’s and then spent the night at grandma’s house. When you leave, you’ll be heading to Blackbird Bar.
The patrons already know it’s the oldest bar in MKE, stop telling everyone that and go back to your Cudahy duplex.
You laugh when people are too afraid to go to the north side. You work hard, you play hard, and you’d never spend more than $5 on a drink.
You’re sick of the Tosa bars near you, so you go east -- but not too far -- for a little grit. Your ideal taco includes ground beef and cheddar cheese.
After graduating from Marquette, you moved to west. You and your bros are trying to relive the good old days on Water St but are too lazy to actually leave your neighborhood. Cinco de Mayo and St. Patrick’s Day are your favorite holidays.
You either just turned 21 and can’t handle your alcohol or you’re a Chicago sports fan. Either way, everyone hates you.
You’re not from Milwaukee, and you have an avid interest in Cold War history. Practical jokes are a favorite pastime, as is laughing at the misfortune of others. You have a panic attack if you forget your email password.
You don’t own a boat, but you wish you did. The best vacation you ever took was spring break to Key West in 1996. You prefer day drinking while playing hooky from work.
You want to deny that you’re a hipster, but you shouldn’t, because you definitely are. Thankfully, you have expanded your beer horizon beyond PRB. You regularly browse thrift stores for taxidermy and cardigan sweaters.
You listened to the piano player in the foodcourt of Mayfair Mall and thought, “I would enjoy this on a Friday night.” Your girlfriend has been here about a dozen times, all with different bachelorette parties.
You want a unique beer at a bar full of real people, not hipsters, posers, or frat boys. Stallis is your one true love. There may or may not be an old couch on your curb right now.
You have the most impeccably curated collection of suspenders. “My favorite band? Oh, you totally haven’t heard of them.”
Paczki day is marked on your calendar each year and you wait in line for an hour to get them. You go bowling every chance you can get and you bring your own shoes.
Getting up at 5am to watch soccer is not an option but a requirement. All of your friends want to punch you if you correct their usage of “soccer” one more time.
You’re a diehard Brewers fan and you’ve figured out that taking a free shuttle is way cheaper than tailgating. ESPN is your default channel and you think you’re actually going to win money on DraftKings.
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Lacey Muszynski is a Milwaukee writer who would not be able to pronounce the beers at Kochanski’s, despite her last name. Follow her @worthhersalt.