Acupuncturist Michael Egan has brought the Far East to the Midwest, and, in a small Linden Hills facility, has harnessed the power of a centuries-old spiritual art to make you feel better after a long night of drinking Rumple Minze
It all starts with a consultation, where Michael asks how many beers you had last night, and you lie by 4-5 beers
Michael carefully notes your lies. Also, your symptoms
He'll give you a quick check-up, but this is all just to make you feel at home, like you're at a normal check-up. He doesn't actually have any idea what he's looking at
Kidding, he's legit -- just look at these fancy degrees and diplomas. Side note: is "Masters of Oriental Medicine" OK to say these days
This talisman wards off spirits... not! It's just for looks
Out come the needles! You'll likely get stuck by the smaller one -- that big guy is just there for effect
Ok, so Michael calls a hangover "liver qi rising." This means the body isn't balanced because of all that beer/Rumple Minze, and the tiny needles stuck into the sides of the head (or what Michael calls the "Gall Bladder 8" point) will help
He's really getting right in there
Even though a hangover's in the tummy and head, Michael also needles the feet, legs, and hands in spots that're connected to the troubled areas like a wire to a light bulb
That needle by the ear is that GB8 one. Michael also puts some herbal cream on the neck
The cream's full of ingredients you can't pronounce and shouldn't Google: Dang Gui, Chuan Xiong, and Bai Zhi. Also, it's called "Green Ointment"
While you lay around, he'll point a heat lamp at your feet so they don't catch cold. Dude's sort of thought of everything
The lamp also heats these mystical crystals that unlock a restorative geologic magnetism. Kidding! They're also just for decoration.
These are called "Curing Pills", and they were likely named by the same people that came up with "Green Ointment". They're specifically designed to combat hangovers
Does this all work? It did for this guy, honestly. And best of all, they accept major health insurance, meaning more money in your pocket for tonight's Rumple Minze!