15 reasons the Bloody Mary is the greatest morning cocktail on Earth

Thrillist has now officially finished its search for America’s Best Bloody Mary. We know, exciting! Even more exciting, we've lined up all the recipes right here, so you can make them at home, or at someone else's home, or in a parking lot, or wherever. To get you in the spirit for Mary-making, here are 15 reasons why the Bloody Mary is the greatest morning cocktail in the world, hands down.

Mimosas are dumb
There is nothing impressive about drinking a third of a glass of champagne, especially when you spill half of it on your white pants.

Screwdrivers are gross
They just are.

It IS brunch
Or at least it can be. Speaking of which…

Charleston Mix
Charleston Mix

Making a great Bloody is easy
With most cocktails, using a mix is a sign that you’re a fat, lazy idiot. With the Bloody, it’s a sign that you’re a fat, lazy genius, because unlike with Margaritas and Mudslides, there are tons of great Bloody mixes out there -- like this one made with 5th generation BBQ sauce, and this other one, which has tarragon in it! And rice vinegar! What is rice vinegar?!

It is not easy to make even a passable version of the second-greatest morning cocktail
The Ramos Gin Fizz is the reason not all professional bartenders start work at 5p.

It gives celery a reason to exist
Before it became the standby Bloody garnish, God was seriously considering a recall.

Bloody garnishes

You can put whatever the hell you want in it
This is a partial list of ingredients used in a contest at NYC’s L’Apicio restaurant:

ancho chile bbq sauce, fresh cooked slab bacon, macerated jalapeños, bruleed bacon swizzle, cayenne, olive brine, dijon, Sriracha, roasted tomato, mescal, porcini mushrooms, Madeira, olive-oil infusion, red wine, black truffle salt, Amaro CioCiaro, blood orange juice, spicy marinara, grilled cheese sandwich, butternut squash, heirloom carrot, cube of slow-cooked beef tongue, pickled jicama, chili flake, San Marzano tomatoes, grapefruit juice, curry powder, fresh ginger juice, ground fennel seed, green & pink peppercorn, beef stock, salami, Montreal steak spice, Yuzu Kosho, carrot juice, pepperoncini, mango infusion, dill infusion, brown sugar roasted tomatoes, caper berries, clementine, chile piquin, pickled shishito pepper, tomatillos, green tomatoes, "lots of love"

You will not find lots of love in a Red Eye. You might find an old man's dentures though.

Breaking down all those foodstuffs and spices distracts from processes that cause that not-so-fresh morning feeling. Also, antioxidants or something.

If you didn’t get them here, you wouldn’t get them anywhere, and by now would be way too dead to enjoy those bacon-stuffed waffles you’re eying. Oh damn, they got Egg-in-a-Hole? Maybe that then.

You can drink one really early
Drinking a Bloody at 7am is like drinking straight Buddha-juice it's so zen. Drinking a Bellini at 7am is even more ridiculous than drinking a Bellini at any other time you'd drink a Bellini.

Vodka and tomato juice shouldn’t work but it does
Things that shouldn’t work but do are the best things. That’s why America loves Dennis and Helen Kucinich.

George Jessel

The guy who invented it was awesome
Actor/producer George Jessel hosted so many shindigs they called him The Toastmaster General, and required three autobiographies to cover a life of shenanigans that included pulling a pistol on his ex-wife's boyfriend. Typical Vaudeville behavior.

The other guy who invented it was a really good bartender
Fernand Petiot worked at the St. Regis' King Cole Bar and, before that, Harry's New York Bar in Paris, which was frequented by Hemingway and various other people you've read less of. Everything that goes in after the base, Petiot added, at least according to this totally condescending quote: "Jessel said he created it, but it was really nothing but vodka and tomato juice when I took it over". So he was kind of a jerk too.

The name is of indeterminate origin
Maybe it's named after Mary Pickford. Or Queen Mary of not-liking Protestants fame. Or a waitress from Chicago's Bucket of Blood bar who was more alluring than her coworkers, Bloody Frannie and Bloody Mildred. Who knows, but Bloody Mary's definitely better than the original name, the Red Snapper, which just sounds like a place you'd take the family for Sunday dinner because it's easy and the unlimited salad bar lets you pretend you're working on your cholesterol.

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Willie Nelson wrote a song about it
Yes, the Eagles wrote a song called "Tequila Sunrise". That's just another reason to not drink a Tequila Sunrise.