St. Patrick's Day is upon us -- our annual opportunity to pay respect to the patron saint of Ireland. And to honor this man, we Americans use the day as an excuse to embrace otherwise offensive stereotypes like decking ourselves out in green and drinking our weight in emerald beer, not to mention co-opting an entire culture in the name of revelry (USA! USA!). Chances are that even if you loathe it, you're going out for St. Patrick's Day. And when you do, you're almost guaranteed to see these 31 people. Keep an eye on Erin.
The Actual Irish Dude
He would've been at this bar anyway, and is genuinely cool with people co-opting his culture on St. Patrick’s Day. Mainly because everybody buys him a beer because he has a red beard. But also, for pride.
The Dude Critiquing Guinness Pours
There are 600 people in here, so you’ll have to pardon him if the cascade is off, or if the shamrock stamp isn’t as pretty as the one your barista put on your Irish cream latte this morning.
She’s covered from hair to pinky toe in green spray-on glitter, and so too shall be some (lucky?) dude at the end of the night. She looks like the unfortunate product of a tryst between a Twilight vampire and She-Hulk. But less hot.
The Proud DJ
His “Shamrock-ed Megamix” includes a mashup of “Shipping Up to Boston” and “Jump Around” that sneaks in three lines of Boondock Saints dialogue before the beat even drops! He is ON IT.
Your Dad Who Went Out for Smokes 17 Years Ago and Never Came Back
Like a sniper, he bears down on anyone not wearing green and pinches them. He’s been drinking for a while, mainly because HR reprimanded him earlier in the day. He came here alone, and will leave that way too.
She refuses to wear any green, yet still decided to go out to the bar tonight because all her friends forced her to. She’s been drinking for a while, mainly because HR reprimanded her for punching the Pincher in the genitals earlier in the day.
The Winking "Irish" Hipster
Although participating in anything so co-opted by the mainstream is usually unthinkable, it isn't if you do it ironically! So he's just kidding about his Dollar Store Irish buttons and perfectly distressed vintage James Joyce tee, and also kidding about the green beer he's drinking, and the fun he's having, and, well, actually it's kind of nihilistic and sad.
The Ruddy-Faced Irish Endurance Drinker
He’s been here since the bar opened. Hell, he might have been here since it closed last night. And somehow, despite all laws of physics and human anatomy, he is stone sober. He can prove it by quoting Yeats -- but only if you buy him another double.
The Fake Fightin’ Irishwoman
She claims that she went to Notre Dame, and once made out with the leprechaun who runs out onto the field during games. But she actually just went to St. Mary’s, and once “experimented” with one of the Belles. Either way, it was a magical sophomore year.
The Bead Queen
St. Patrick’s Day? It’s just Mardi Gras with more cabbage and fewer brass bands.
Your Friend From Boston
He can’t stop complaining about how he wishes he was in Southie, because Southie really knows how to do St. Paddy’s right, and you all drink like a bunch of pansies. Eventually, he simultaneously wins and loses a fight... with himself.
Your Friend From Chicago
He can’t stop complaining about how he wishes he was in Chicago, because Chicago really knows how to do St. Paddy’s right, and you all drink like a bunch of pansies. He has told you about how they dye the river green seven times, despite your frequent insistence that, yes, you have seen The Fugitive. Eventually, he simultaneously wins and loses a fight... with gravity.
Some Poor, Short Bastard
When you’re under 5’ 4” and out on St. Patrick’s Day, you’re really asking for it when you don’t shave that red chinstrap beard.
Shirtless Guy Whose Shamrock Tattoo Is FINALLY Paying Off
Though he still regrets getting it on the small of his back.
Irish Elton John
He’s 45. He’s fun! And he’s wearing enough glitter and green to be spotted from space. By a Rocket Man, of course. That's a very famous song by the British Elton John.
Random Dickensian Orphans
Nobody knows how they snuck into the bar, but they’ve already stolen at least five wallets -- and your heart!
The Desperate Bartender Who Insists He Asked Murph for the Day Off
... at least a month ago.
The Guy Quoting Good Will Hunting in an Irish Accent
Even weirder than his misremembering Matt Damon as an Irish guy is the fact that he’s been quoting Robin Williams' speech about his wife’s farts.
The Guy Ordering Irish Car Bombs
That might have flown in your college bar, but probably not in the most authentic Irish pub in town. Murph’ll oblige you, if only to get your guard down. Then he will murder you.
The Clearly Not-Irish Girl Claiming Irishness
While we appreciate the effort put into finding an “Irish for a Day” sash, you’re allowed to drink today without pretending you like that U2 album forced onto your iPhone and claiming to be, like, 1/6th Dubliner on your Mom’s side.
Nope. That’s the whiskey playing tricks on you. And those aren’t snakes running out of the bar when you scream at them. They’re potential dates.
Mr. Green Jeans
He decided to pack his own food coloring, just in case the bar didn't have green beer. What he didn't anticipate was bumping into people in a crowded bar, leaving green spots soaking through the pocket of his new jeans.
The Girl Who Took a Step-Dancing Class
It’s the one day a year when that step-dancing class her Mom made her take at age 6 will finally pay off. And by “pay off,” we mean she’s going to have to pay for all those drinks she knocked over.
The Uncomfortable British Guy
“Yeah, um, it’s not like that anymore, guys.”
Some Creepy Old Longshoreman
He looks like he stepped out of a Scooby-Doo rogues gallery, and has been perched at the bar all night, telling strange tales of the sea. You can try to buy him a round to quiet him down, but it merely stokes his festering anger toward Poseidon.
The Bass Player From The Cranberries
Erin Go Bragh
Get it? Her name is Erin, and she’s been screaming “Erin go Bragh” since she woke up.
Erin No Bra
It’s Erin again. Except she’s had her weight in green beers, and has shifted her pun into the Girls Gone Wild territory. She thinks this is the funniest joke she’s ever come up with, even though she does this every year. It might be the funniest joke she's ever come up with.
Erin Go Braaaaaaaaarff...
OK, Erin. Get in a cab.
He's here to take Erin home, because who the hell else will?
Andy Kryza is a senior editor on Thrillist's Food & Drink team, and is, like, 1/5th Irish. He'd like to thank Portland's Biddy McGraw's for letting all these people in to take pictures -- and keeping them out at all other times. Follow him to the end of a rainbow: @apkryza.