32 things every woman should do in a bar... at least once
Ladies, we live in a world where it helps to set goals. But we also live in a world full of bars. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't have goals at bars. Here are 32 things you must do while out drinking in public before you die, hopefully not as a direct result of any of them. But maybe as a result of one of them...
Throw a drink in someone’s face
It’s incredibly satisfying. You might want to practice a few times on your friend, since it’s surprisingly hard to hit the face exactly. When you practice, please provide your friend with a bib or smock.
Dance on the bar
It’s annoying to everyone but you and your friends, but live your Coyote Ugly dream at least once, and not the terrifying one where you're actually John Goodman. And then when you’re up there yell, “I’m quitting this job to go to law school like Tyra Banks!” And then you'll be kicked out. I wonder how lawyer Tyra Banks from Coyote Ugly is doing now. Probably great... she probably danced on the damn Bar Exam.
Take the bartender home
The key is sticking it out 'til closing time. And winking a lot?
Make out on the bar
Like, ON the bar. At the bar's for amateurs. But maybe wipe it off first. The irony of getting a disease from the gross bar and not your hook-up buddy would be too much, eh Alanis?!
Accept a drink from a gentleman
Who said chivalry is dead? I did. When? Just now. But it’s still nice to get a free drink, even if it's from the creepy dude in the corner.
Send a drink to a gentleman
After all, this is 2014. And we're not creepily hanging out in this corner winking a lot for nothing.
Yell “Hold me back!” and pretend you’re going to fight
Because you really don't know how to land a punch.
Yell “Hold me back!” because you’re actually about to fight
Because maybe it's time you learned how to land a punch.
If you know the right people, you can have the bar equivalent of a church lock in. Then you can experience the deep shame of walking home as the sun rises and people give you strange looks as they walk to church.
And think of a funny team name like the Fu*kaneers. Or the Fu*kleberry Finns. Or the Fu*k Business School in Hanover, New Hampshire. Wait, no, maybe not that last one.
Take over the iPod from the bartender by flirting
And then refuse to play any music, yelling "we're playing the Quiet Game" and enforcing it strictly so everyone has to sit in silence. It will go really well.
Drink for free all night
You know, by doing that winking thing I talked about earlier? But if that somehow fails (it won't, it's foolproof), lean over the bar and put your mouth directly under the tap while the bartender isn’t looking... then run like hell.
Challenge a guy to a chugging contest... and effing win!
This is hard to do, because guys are generally great at chugging. So you can call up my friend Beaumont to do it for you because she can beat any guy in a chugging contest. Just DM me for her contact info.
Make a friend who you only ever see at your bar
Do they exist outside of the bar? Who knows. Either way, you’re best friends and you’ve only ever seen them at night, and only at this bar. Are they a vampire? No. A ghost? Yes.
Say "no" to a shot
It’s always a mistake.
Unless it’s a pickleback. Those are amazing.
Make up a fake identity
Not to get into a bar. That's illegal. But once you’re in the bar, you’re a princess from Luxembourg! And the rube who believes that will probably also pay for your drinks, because rich people never pay for stuff.
Stay sober and watch the grossness unfold
Trust me, you'll only want to do this once.
Make out in the bathroom
It’s gross, so really only do it once. However, research tells me that women's bathrooms are sunny studio apartments with ocean breezes compared to the dank sewer dungeons of men's bathrooms, so opt for the ladies if you must.
Make out with a celebrity
D-List or above. Look-alikes are fair game. Also professional clowns or mimes.
Get escorted out... accompanied by applause
Who knows the next time you’ll get applauded? People like you, they really like you!
Laugh in a dude’s face at his terrible pick-up line
Because he should know he’s an idiot. But then say “I love you”, and touch his face meaningfully as you slink away. He’ll be so confused he’ll leave you alone.
Eat gross bar food
Not wings or nachos: those are delicious everyday foods. I’m talkin' pickled eggs and shrimp-flavored chips and hand-rolled cigarettes.
Slap a dude
Angrily or flirtatiously. Your call.
Go to a cozy pub alone in a foreign country with a book
But so no one hits on you be sure to be reading something like How To Marry For A Green Card When You’re A Sociopath.
Order a fancy cocktail at a dive bar
But stick with the classics, like appletinis or Pink Squirrels (3/4oz creme de noyaux, 3/4oz white creme de cacao, and 1.5oz heavy cream). Sit and watch the bartender become increasingly agitated.
Go in your stupid bridesmaid dress
If you have to wear that thing, WEAR that thing. And then, throughout the night, hand people scissors and let them cut pieces off of it. After the wedding, of course. Or before! YOLO!
Have a Before Sunrise moment with someone you’ll never see again
Don’t leave the bar with this person, but connect on, like, a super-deep level. And then see them 10 years later in Paris and decide to get married. And then 10 years and a pair of twins later while on an exotic vacation decide that you were never right for each other in the first place. Jesus, this just got depressing.
Watch the World Cup and day drink
Root for any country for the most opportunities to do this. And learn how to say "cheers" in several different languages so you aren’t sniffed out as an impostor and banned from that country forever!
Throw your underwear in the trash
It'll be so freeing in the moment! And less freeing, come laundry day.
I don’t care if you’re terrified. We all remember a little movie called My Best Friend's Wedding, wherein a young Cameron Diaz was terrified to do karaoke and her nefarious maid of honor Julia Roberts basically forced her to, but because Cameron was so charming in her tone deafness the crowd supported her, thus thwarting Julia’s evil plan to stand in front of Hugh Grant and ask him if he'd seen Richard Gere's Lotus.
Order a Sex on the Beach
And give the bartender a long, slow wink. Then give it to a random dude. Then give him a long, slow wink. Then when he asks what it is say it’s a Pink Squirrel. Then take it back and splash it in his face. FIN.
Sarah Walker lives in LA. She writes for Awkward on MTV and Sirens on USA. She knows damn well what the five fingers said to the face. Follow her here.