Read the paper cover to cover
Bonus points if it's the Sunday Times, you smartypants.
Tip 300%, then leave anonymously
Being a hell of a tipper makes you a bartender's favorite customer. Doing it anonymously makes you karma's favorite lush.
Tip 0% for terrible service, not anonymously
Rationalize why you're stiffing somebody, but don't be a prick about it. Explain that the drinks were wrong, the service was rude, whatever. Then expect to not be welcomed back.
Just like George Thorogood intended.
Learn to love
Perhaps fleetingly, but with all of your heart.
The heart is a fickle thing. Especially when there's whiskey involved.