Our time is short on this mortal coil, and it's filled with many things to do before we die. There are foreign lands to visit, and countless foods to eat. But let's face it: you're spending a lot of time in a bar. But that doesn't mean your days spent drinking in the dark are days without goals. These are the 50 things every man should do in a bar, at least once. Because, as the old proverb goes, "Every man dies, but not every man really eats a four-year-old pickled egg."
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Bonus points if there are more than three people in said bar.
Enthrall a group with a true story
About that time you rescued a family from a burning bus, or something similarly steeped in heroism, valor, and acts of extreme bravery.
Enthrall a group with a fake story
About that time you rescued Brad, Angelina, and Shiloh from a burning Zeppelin, perhaps. Or Led Zeppelin from a burning silo. Or maybe something more realistic... like saving Andy Dick from getting hit by a bus.
Eat the pickled egg
And keep it down for at least an hour.
Befriend a bartender and get a signature drinknamed after you
A delicious one. And order it at least one time per visit.
Get a black eye...
... for doing something that merits getting a black eye. Like defending somebody's honor.
Give a black eye
... to somebody who absolutely deserves it. In self defense, of course.
Wonder what it all means
And maybe figure it out.
Drink something that’s been set on fire
A shot of 151 if you need to. A full cocktail if they have it.
Win at Keno
Then never play again. Walk away a winner. Buy a round for your table if it's over $100.
Buy a drink for a guy who gave you a black eye
... because gentlemen can put things in their pasts. And because you totally deserved it.
Covet thy neighbor’s wife
But don't act on it. That's how you get punched.
Smoke a cigar
... in one of the remaining cigar bars that allows it.
Finish an entire game of darts
It might take three hours, but you'll be extremely proud once you finally hit that bullseye.
Order a bottle of whiskey, and finish it
With friends, of course. Or strangers who have become your friends. If it's good whiskey, you'll make them quickly.
But only when you're in college, or if it's something that makes you nostalgic for college. If it's the latter, you must tip extra, because you're a grown-up now and can afford a glass.
Get and defend the Erotic Photo Hunt high score
The one with the boobs and the one with the dongs.
Play hooky from work
For eight straight hours, while sending emails with health updates.
Earn your own mug
One that stays behind the bar with your name on it.
Earn your own stool
One where people get up and cede it to you when you show up.
And make sure those winnings include a beer and a frustrated opponent.
Volunteer to be the DD
It's the responsible thing to do... and you owe your friend who drove you through the Taco Bell drive-thru at 3am last week.
Befriend an old English man
Spend a whole night drinking gin and hearing incredible war stories told in a charming accent.
Watch a local team win a championship
Whether it's the NBA finals or the Little League World Series, make sure you're watching in a crowded room that stinks of pride and Old Crow.
Because you don't give a good goddamn what anyone thinks.
Lead a sing-along
Bonus points if the bar has no karaoke. And if the song is "Milkshake".
Be asked to leave by an apologetic bartender
"I'm really sorry, man, but I have to ask you to leave," he will say, knowing you're a good guy. Leave without incident, but only after you tip the bartender and apologize.
Buy the owner a drink
And thank him for letting you do all this stuff in his bar. And for not giving you a black eye.
Andy Kryza is a senior editor on Thrillist's food & drink team, and would like to thank Binks in Portland for letting him shoot these photos on a lazy Friday. He's also sorry for any missing pint glasses. Follow him to completely true stories of valor via @apkryza.