BONUS: Glass Joe's Weak-Ass Punch, by the Thrillist Editors
To celebrate the dude who is literally weak as sh*t, we spent HOURS in the Thrillist Test Kitchen trying to come up with a comparable punch recipe. And when that failed, we did this:
How To Make It (Serves 10-12 pathetic dudes):
22oz of Captain Morgan Parrot Bay Matava Blue Berry & Kiwi malt beverage
40oz of Squirt soda
Orange peels for garnish
Ice, or whatever
Open two bottles of the Captain Morgan Parrot Bay Matava Blue Berry & Kiwi malt beverage you bought from your local bodega because he was selling them individually and didn't have Smirnoff Ice Raspberry Burst. Smell them. Shudder. Empty them into a plastic salad bowl. Add two 20oz bottles of Squirt. Dump in some old ice from your freezer tray. Eat an orange. Stare at the orange peels for awhile, then realize you could probably throw those in, too. Ladle into glassware, obviously.