Dear Guy Who Just Quit Coffee,
First off, I'd like to thank you for leaving more coffee for the rest of us. But that's all I'd like to thank you for, because I have several grievances about the way you megaphone your new non-coffee lifestyle to anyone who will listen with an urgency typically reserved for yelling "Fire!" in a theater.
Quite frankly I'm sick of hearing about your radiant skin, princess-like slumber, acid-free stomach, huge savings account, and squad of babes that is now wrapped around your extended tea-drinking pinky.
If I seem cranky it's because I didn't sleep well last night, a problem that you never have anymore, but one that I knowingly invite into my life because I actively choose to drink coffee. Congratulations on your complete sleep cycle and eye sockets that don't resemble eggplants. I, too, remember eight-hour long Egyptian cotton evenings with dreams of flying like an eagle alongside Steve Miller, Seal, and the starting line-up of the Tune Squad, but I have since outgrown such childish fantasies. Do you think you're better than me because you don't confine your dreaming to daytime office hours like every other overworked adult? You're supposed to be tired all the time -- this is America, dammit!