Dear Guy Who Just Quit Coffee,
First off, I'd like to thank you for leaving more coffee for the rest of us. But that's all I'd like to thank you for, because I have several grievances about the way you megaphone your new non-coffee lifestyle to anyone who will listen with an urgency typically reserved for yelling "Fire!" in a theater.
Quite frankly I'm sick of hearing about your radiant skin, princess-like slumber, acid-free stomach, huge savings account, and squad of babes that is now wrapped around your extended tea-drinking pinky.
If I seem cranky it's because I didn't sleep well last night, a problem that you never have anymore, but one that I knowingly invite into my life because I actively choose to drink coffee. Congratulations on your complete sleep cycle and eye sockets that don't resemble eggplants. I, too, remember eight-hour long Egyptian cotton evenings with dreams of flying like an eagle alongside Steve Miller, Seal, and the starting line-up of the Tune Squad, but I have since outgrown such childish fantasies. Do you think you're better than me because you don't confine your dreaming to daytime office hours like every other overworked adult? You're supposed to be tired all the time -- this is America, dammit!
I hope you enjoy that new iPad Pro you plan to buy with the $5 a day you're saving by not supporting millions of coffee farmers in impoverished countries, and thousands of baristas whose promising electronic music careers will be stymied without the dollar-a-day tip you have, up until your recent abstinence, been adding to their Moog savings funds. Just 150 more days to go until you give the ghost of Steve Jobs $800 to improve your Candy Crush skills and make it easier to watch porn in your bedroom.
But of course those YouPorn days are over, right? Because your newfound appreciation of herbal tea has lifted your nose so high into the air that it's become a beacon for attractive members of the opposite sex itching to go on a tea date, right? Tea dates don't exist. Try listing 'tea' as an interest on a dating site and wait for those right swipes to roll in. While you do that, I'll continue to make my barista friends uncomfortable as I fumble with my debit card to buy incredible coffee for women with wildly misleading Tinder photos.
Oh, has your heartburn cooled, and is your stomach as relaxed as a floor seat at a Peter, Paul, and Mary concert? Tell me more! But know that preaching the health benefits of giving up coffee is the equivalent of telling me not to vaccinate... my dog. I will concede that caffeine is dehydrating and now your skin is glowing like a celebrity’s baby, but that’s what Oil Of Olay is for... and water. I wish you a very merry heightened risk of cancer, diabetes, and cardiovascular disease. Just kidding, that's dark, but enough already, okay?
The worst part about your new life choice, though, is having to nod my head in quiet acknowledgement of the ironclad willpower it took for you to turn your back on one of the most delicious liquids known to man. But hey, maybe there’s value in giving up extra energy, an excuse to leave your desk, and delightful palette notes of baker's chocolate/honeysuckle/first kiss so I have a reason to talk down to others. Though, if I wanted to do that I’d just start flossing or entering all of my impulse purchases into Mint.com.
Let's talk again in two weeks -- after your brain is forced back to producing its own adenosine like a god-damn caveman and you find yourself tasked with an eleventh hour deadline that’s utterly impossible to complete without a hit of the good stuff -- so I can look upon you and smile smugly.
Guy Who Will Never Give Up Coffee
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Dan Gentile is a staff writer at Thrillist. He once gave up coffee and wants you to read all about it. Follow him to contradictory tweets at @Dannosphere.