Poll any of your vino-loving friends and they'll say the same thing: "I like my '82 bordeaux, but what I'd really love is a wine that combines all the weirdness of watching my aunt read softcore p*rn on the beach with notes of grapefruit". Well good news, winos, that day has finally come. Fifty Shades of Grey author E.I. James has just released two branded wines, and you can purchase them right this second. The first varietal is the 2012 Fifty Shades of Grey White Silk, a gewürztraminer and sauvignon blanc blend which boasts "floral aromatics of lychee, honey, and pear" as well as grapefruit, butterscotch, and pear flavors. The second is the 2009 Fifty Shades of Grey Red Satin, a blend of petite sirah and syrah with "black cherry, cocoa powder, creamy caramel and vanilla, leather and clove spice" flavors. (Leather. We see what you did there, E.I.) Both wines are going for $17.99 a bottle or $215.88 a case. Since we can't imagine how gifting this stuff could go wrong for anyone, you should probably stock up for all your loved ones' future birthday presents over here.