Go to your local Whole Foods, or any other upper-to-middle-class marketplace, and stacked on those fluorescent-lit shelves is a variety of dumb, dumb water bottles. And we aren't taking about regular bottled water like Poland Spring. This is artisanal water, or bougie water as I like to call it: a category of H20 and H20-like substances that are branded, marketed, and shipped to cities and suburbs across America under the guise of being beneficial to your health and/or tasting better than the regular stuff. And they have positively exploded in popularity in the past half-decade. Remember Whole Foods' $6 Asparagus Watergate? This is the kind of nonsense we're talking about.
Some have added electrolytes, some have subtle flavoring, some are straight-up juice they call water for some reason, some have augmented PH levels, or added essences, or enhanced alkaline. Some are even just straight up branded as "artisanal water," in a shocking display of poor self-awareness. But yeah... they're all basically just water. And I cannot, will not, get behind this.