Go to your local Whole Foods, or any other upper-to-middle-class marketplace, and stacked on those fluorescent-lit shelves is a variety of dumb, dumb water bottles. And we aren't taking about regular bottled water like Poland Spring. This is artisanal water, or bougie water as I like to call it: a category of H20 and H20-like substances that are branded, marketed, and shipped to cities and suburbs across America under the guise of being beneficial to your health and/or tasting better than the regular stuff. And they have positively exploded in popularity in the past half-decade. Remember Whole Foods' $6 Asparagus Watergate? This is the kind of nonsense we're talking about.
Some have added electrolytes, some have subtle flavoring, some are straight-up juice they call water for some reason, some have augmented PH levels, or added essences, or enhanced alkaline. Some are even just straight up branded as "artisanal water," in a shocking display of poor self-awareness. But yeah... they're all basically just water. And I cannot, will not, get behind this.
This is a joke, right?
The video above is a joke, but the reality is not. I assure you, these waters are very much a thing. Find the nearest woman wearing Lululemon, she can confirm.
Why should you care?
Because this is everything that is wrong with the food and drink world, wrapped into ergonomic, vibrant packaging. These waters, that I have split into three different categories below, promise health, good taste, and the chance at being in on the ground floor of the future of hydration. It's bunk at best, deceitful at worst. This, Mr. Trump, is why China is winning.