Ladies and gentlemen, we've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story: in case you haven't turned on a TV, read a paper, gone grocery shopping, or had a dream, Ron Burgundy and the Channel 4 News Team are back this week, and it's kind of a big deal. We are in a glass case of excitement. So much excitement, in fact, that we can't even concentrate on our leather-bound books, so we turned to Oregon Bartenders Guild President Brandon Wise to help curb our emotions with these Burgundy-approved cocktails. Get ready for a trip to Pleasure Town.
'Last Week Tonight' Writer Josh Gondelman Takes Shots, Talks About Working For John Oliver
Ron's Old, Old Fashioned
3 fingers of Ron Burgundy Scotch (Yep, it’s a real thing. Drink it in.)
Pinch of black pepper
2 dashes orange bitters
1 sugar cube
Some, uh, cheese... for garnish
This variation on Ron's signature drink at Escupimos en su Alimento starts by soaking a sugar cube in bitters in a mixing glass. Peel a swath of orange, then add it to the glass with the remaining ingredients (except for the cheese, which Baxter may have eaten a whole wheel of). Add ice and stir for 10 seconds before straining over rocks. Serve up in a glass case of emotion. Don't act like you're not impressed.
Pleasure Town Flip (Oh, We're Going There)
1 oz creme de menthe
.5 oz Fernet Branca (Considered by many to be the Sex Panther of the spirits world. It is pungent. Stings the nostrils. Then again, to some, that's what desire smells like.)
.5 oz Mud Puddle chocolate vodka
.5 oz heavy cream (milk is a bad choice for this)
.25 oz rich demerara syrup
1 whole egg (preferably from an unpunched ovary)
Build all ingredients in mixing tin, add ice, and shake hard. Strain into chilled coupe glass and garnish with sprinkles and -- if you have it -- bits of real panther, so you know it's good.
2oz Cruzan Black Strap rum (It’s pirate rum... but what Brian didn't tell you is it's not for real pirates. Sure looks convincing, though.)
.5oz orange juice
.5oz lemon juice
.25oz B.G. Reynolds Falernum syrup
2 dashes angostura bitters
Drop all ingredients in a mixing tin, then add crushed ice and shake for 5 seconds. Pour it into your most classy glass and top it with crushed ice. And, in the interest of tastefulness, garnish it with parasols, swizzle sticks, fresh fruit, and fresh mint, then get ready, Jack, because every pirate hooker on Whore Island's gonna be trying to get at your booty.
Stay classy, Thrillist.
Andy Kryza is Thrillist's National Eat/Drink Senior Editor, and has proudly lived vegetable-free since 2001. Follow his adventures/slow decline via Twitter at @apkryza.
Brandon Wise runs the bar program at Imperial and Portland Penny Diner, and presides as President of the Oregon Bartenders Guild. Behold his expertise on Twitter @brwise.