Tip These Queens

Drink Up Your 2021 Astrological Cocktail Horoscopes

To honor the spirit of our first ever virtual drag brunch and to help you toast to the year ahead.

astology cocktails
Image by Maitane Romagosa for Thrillist

I have to say, I am feeling more holiday spirit this year than I usually do. The season is hardly the subdued, drab snooze that I suspected it might be given the year that we’ve had. People seem to be going all out. One neighbor of mine has put a holiday candle in every window, as though to ward off evil spirits. Another has installed enough large inflatable Santas out front for a clone war. Meanwhile, I demurely drink my hot toddy, muttering ancient prayers to myself and seeing the season for what it is: a pagan rite.

Just in time for the festivities, Thrillist is bringing a party straight to your home to help you ring in the New Year with our first ever Virtual Drag Brunch, sponsored by Orbitz. Join drag superstars Manila Luzon, Monet X-Change, and Ritzy Bitz as they bury 2020 in the backyard for good and encourage you to fa-la-la-la-lol (sorry) all the way into 2021. 2021 has to be better than what just happened...right? RIGHT?!

The Virtual Drag Brunch will feature roasts, toasts, recipes, and more. Plus, some incredible horoscope cocktails, a prophecy for the year to come, mixologized by yours truly. I am no mixologist, certainly, but I do have an intuition for which signs are good and which signs are bad, and I thought I’d try my hand at concocting some spicy, irreverent drinks just for you, to honor the Spirit of Drag Brunch Present. Be sure to check out your sign’s cocktail below to help you toast to the auld lang syne or whatever it is the kids are saying these days.

Aries

First up we have Aries, the angry baby of the zodiac. This year is going to bring some much needed calm and relaxation into your life. You’ve been working hard to keep everything running smoothly in this very special year, and now it’s time to put your feet up and take some Me Time.

Voila! I give you: The Baby’s Bottle. It’s mulled sangria, cinnamon, and a full shot of Tabasco. It’s spicy, just like you, but it’ll keep you grounded too, and once the initial bump wears off in about 20 minutes, it acts as a sleep aid. Just a couple sips of this and you’ll be cooing “Yummy” by Justin Bieber into the ear of your Quarantine Spouse as they carry you to bed.

Taurus

You’re an angelic earthbound diva who doesn’t suffer fools. This year is going to bring a lot of career--

Wait, you know what? I don’t want to do this. Taurus: I don’t trust you as far as I can throw you! NO DRINKS FOR YOU! Get a job.

Gemini

My sweet Gemini, you are the two-faced Duchess of Fickle, and that’s not gonna change this year. 2021 is sure to bring a lot of drama, but that is just how you like it. The more drama you have swirling around your head, the happier you are, and the more opportunities people have to marvel at your sociopathic talent for letting things slide right off your back. 

Enter, The Milky Way…a twist on a White Russian that combines the innocence of Oat Milk with the intrigue of whatever vodka you left in your flask last New Year’s. It’s complex and hard to pin down, fit for a fake-ass frenemy like you.

Cancer

Awww, little crabby Cancer. When you’re done weeping into your takeout for the 15th night in a row, you’re going to need a drink. You’ve been feeling a little emotional this year, but what else is new?! Luckily, 2021 is gonna give you a break from the feels and inject some much-needed pragmatism into your life.

Introducing The Weepy Mary. It’s like a Bloody Mary, but for people who cry at car insurance commercials. The Weepy Mary is a practical, all-in-one kinda drink, perfect for the eyes-on-the-prize year you’re gonna have. It’s got your vegetables, it’s got your booze, it’s got a bacon-egg-and-cheese on the toothpick. Is that an anchovy swimming around in there? Well eat your protein, grab a tissue, and get to work!

Leo

Leo, you are a regal monster. You always think you have done everything right. In your mind, you are absolutely slaying it, and everyone adores you, and who am I to interrupt your grandiose fantasy? There’s even more good publicity strutting your way in the coming year. The likes are gonna roll in, you’re gonna finally win that EGOT, that Nobel...and you are going to take over the world.

To keep you on your A-game, we’ve concocted The Confidence Booster. It’s a Paloma with all the finest ingredients—fresh grapefruit juice, Himalayan salt rim, fine Tequila—plus a splash of Diet Mountain Dew to keep you humble.

Virgo

We all know Virgos like to keep their ducks in a row, which is why it’s important for them to mix things up in 2021. The stars have spoken and they want you to know: You are a virgin who can’t drive, Cher Horowitz, and it’s time to color outside the lines and unbutton that top button.

The Like a Virgin is just what the doctor ordered! It’s so subtle it seems like water, but it’s actually gonna make you wanna go full Coyote Ugly and howl at the moon like you’re on Spring Break in 2004. It even comes with lube and a pack of Camel Crush. You can’t be a virgin forever. Let loose this year!

Libra

Libra, Libra, Libra! What are we gonna do with you?! You have been doing everything perfectly this year. You’re the PTA mom to beat. Your fridge is always full of organic kefir, you’re glued to the Peloton, you speak five languages, and everyone invites you to their Zoom kikis. You’re insufferable.

2021 is going to be the year you stop living for everyone else and start looking out for what you need. And what you need is a French 75 inspired cocktail to throw your balance off a little bit. The Tipped Scale has gin, champagne, Heineken, a Diet Snapple, and a secret joint you smoked in the backyard to remind you to let loose and really feel yourself. You. Are. Enough!!!

Scorpio

A lot of the messages I’ve been getting from the cosmos have been about how different signs need to unleash what’s inside of them. But for you, it’s actually about furling up your freak flag in 2021. I’m not saying you’ve done anything wrong, but in 2020, you had some moments where your wig fell off and you didn’t know the lyrics to the lip sync.

Your 2021 drink is a Vodka Cranberry in a Poland Springs bottle. Basic and unassuming, this cocktail is sending the message that it’s time to stick to the basics. It takes a lot of work to be wild and fancy free, and you know that, but sometimes it takes just as much work to be a basic bitch.

Sagittarius

A man on top and a horse on the bottom? What the hell are these astrology people gonna think of next...You have had a dramatic year. There have been ups and downs, tops and bottoms, curves and crevices. This year is gonna be all about balancing that out and keeping it zen.

Do you know what CBD stands for? Couldn’t Be Tense. This cocktail is just CBD and rum. Goodnight, sleep tight, my darling beast.

Capricorn

You’re a sea goat. You’re a girlboss. You’re a sensual gourmand. This year is gonna be all about the creature comforts for you. Think beautiful interiors...soft blankets...delicious snacks...Like you’re trapped inside a Crate & Barrel that is also a prepper panic room.

That’s why the doctor is prescribing The Opulence, You Own Everything! It’s flirty, it’s indulgent...It’s a Mimosa without the orange juice...something the Barefoot Contessa would serve to her gay friends on a Saturday in the Hamptons, right after she makes Jeffrey a big bowl of Mac and Cheese and sends him off to the TV room. You cooked, you decorated, you made it nice.

Aquarius

Harry Styles...Paris Hilton....Hunter Biden...Aquarians are the lovable weirdos of the Zodiac! You have all had a very CONTROVERSIAL 2020. Your 2021 is sure to be a lot less provocative than 2020, and you will get some rest from all the salacious attention that’s been following you around.

You’ve gotta stick that biodegradable straw in a big glass of “Nothing to See Here!” A “Nothing to See Here!” is a simple spritz with Franzia Cabernet and a splash of Pamplemousse La Croix that was sitting in a hot car for a few hours. Mmmm--crisp and refreshing!

Pisces

Last but not least, it’s Pisces. Do you smell something fishy in here? Pisces people are said to contain elements of every single one of the signs. Maybe that’s why your 2021 horoscope projects that you’re going to do a lot of connecting this year! Whether it’s a text, a Facetime, a meeting with your attorney, or a lover’s tryst, 2021 is all about feeling connected!

Take a sip from your 2021 cocktail, The Bar Cleanse, a colorful concoction of...whatever you have lying around at home! It brings all the different liquors together, and while you might not remember much tomorrow morning, you can rest assured you definitely turned into that girl at the bar that keeps telling people she loves them and made everyone give her their phone numbers. Party on!

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Ned Riseley is a New York-based writer and performer.
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