Canada is kicking our ass at acting American, which shouldn't be possible considering America invented the bacon bun hamburger, the Hot Pocket, and a job that pays you to drink beer. So how are these Canadians out-Americaning us? News broke last week that the Canadian brewery Phillips Brewing & Malting Co. will deliver six-packs of its new Pilsner via bald eagle. Well, one six-pack. But still...
Hey, that's our animal, Pierre Trudeau! Why don't you leave our badass mascot alone and deliver beer by moose? Or Mountie. Or Mike Myers. We heard he's not too busy.
And, you know what, it'd be OK if Canada simply had the one bald-eagle beer stunt. But upon further investigation, those Canucks are kicking our ass at being American in a whole slew of different ways.
Their coffee and donuts are invading our landscape
Starbucks is the American king of coffee, and Dunkin' Donuts and Krispy Kreme have us covered for donuts. But ever since Burger King bought Tim Hortons, the company's expansion into the US has been noticeable. Being gluttonous and hopped up on caffeine first thing in the morning is an American thing, and damn it if a Canadian coffee and donut store is going to come onto our land and do it better.
Their beers are beloved by great American brewmasters
Dogfish Head is undoubtedly one of America's finest beermakers, and when we asked its founder to name one of the beers he was drinking at the moment, he said Moosehead. America has a billion craft breweries, and one of our nation's top beer guys imports six-packs from New Brunswick? America is slacking on the beer front.
They make snack foods we have to import "legally"
Remember Dunkaroos? Of course you do, you traded your soul for them one day at the lunch table in fifth grade and you've been full of regret every day since. You can't buy them on American shelves anymore, but some enterprising Canadians are selling them on Amazon and eBay because they still manufacture the things for Canadians to enjoy. Eating snack foods is as much an American rite of passage as drinking Champagne from a spray gun, and we have to import them from Canada?
America's longest-running comedy show is from a Canadian
Americans invented comedy. The French had those mimes first, but no one thought they were funny. Obviously, comedy started with Richard Pryor in 1963, and then took off from there. But one of those shows Pryor was featured on to begin his career was created by Torontonian Lorne Michaels, and Saturday Night Live is still on TV to this day.
Their rappers are better than our rappers
No one's had a career in the last few years like Toronto rapper and former Degrassi star Drake. And as a hip-hop fan, this infuriates me. America invented hip-hop in order to have something to listen to on Beats by Dre headphones, and now a Canadian is better at it than we are?! At least there are great rappers from every major American city.
Their potato chips are better than ours
Homer Simpson is an archetype of the American male, and he eats a lot of potato chips. But when I visited a supermarket in Toronto, I found delicious Ruffles All Dressed and Poutine potato chips. These are flavors not available in America, which is downright shameful. If anyone's going to go into a permanent food coma by eating potato chips, it's going to be Americans, dammit.
Their basketball team might win it all
Drake's favorite squad -- the Toronto Raptors -- is one of four teams who could win the NBA championship this year. Yes, the squad is full of Americans, but that team reps Toronto! It doesn't matter that we almost single-handedly helped Canada win a trophy in the most American of sports. If they win, Canada should have to cut off 75% of the trophy and give it to us as payment for using our talent.
They legalized gay marriage way before America
Canada legalized gay marriage in 2005, which was a whole 10 years before we got around to it. America is no doubt the land of the free, but Canada was free to marry whoever they wanted for 10 years longer than us. I just feel bad that Bert and Ernie had to wait so long.
Well, at least we can still beat them up
In case you missed one of the best baseball fights ever, here's a peek at what happened recently. USA! USA! (Yes, I realize that Jose Bautista is from the Dominican Republic, and Rougned Odor is from Venezuela, so technically this was a fight between people from those two countries, but look at their jerseys! That fight was TEXAS VS. TORONTO, and we beat them the hell up.)
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