An Open Letter From Your Beer Snob Friends

beer snob letter
Shutterstock / Nina Gonzales/Thrillist
Shutterstock / Nina Gonzales/Thrillist

Hello old friend,

It’s the beer geeks here. The guys with a keen appreciation for Citra hops. The ones who will happily spend more than the cost of a 30-rack on a single bottle of beer that we’re extremely hesitant to ever open. The dudes who use Untappd as their primary social media. The friends who brought five rare bombers to your last dinner party, then insisted on leading a very intricate taste-test before the pot roast was served.

Sure, back in college our main beer concerns were the rising cost of kegs and making sure to dunk stray, floor-dwelling ping-pong balls into Solo cups full of tap water. For cleanliness. 

But alas, times have changed. And it feels like your lack of appreciation of our very refined palates has created some distance between us lately, and we’d like to clear the air.

We know you THINK you like the beer you’re drinking now. We were like you once.

It’s not that the affordable domestics you’ve remained loyal to are bad, per se, it’s just that our palates have evolved to the point that we simply cannot bear their watery blandness anywhere, even big-time sporting events. Don’t worry, we’ve demanded stadiums all become bastions of Craft Beer as well. You just can’t put a price on being able to tell a ref to go fuck himself while simultaneously debating whether or not you’re really picking up the coffee notes on that porter. Actually, you can. It’s $14.

And that’s the point... there’s just so much variety out there we wish you were experiencing. We just picked up this stout that was aged in bourbon barrels with cocoa nibs, toasted coconut, organic strawberries, and Communion wafers. It’s called Strawberry Sacrilege. It’s amazing. Well, everyone on BeerAdvocate says it’s amazing. We haven’t opened ours yet. They only made, like, 500. We had to win a ticket drawing, drive three hours, and wait in line for another six. Pretty perfect Saturday.

You should come over and try some when we open it! We’re saving it for a special occasion, like if someone has twins. It seems too good to waste on, like, a regular one-baby occasion, ya know?

Also, there’s a chance we might trade it for something that’s even harder to find and will only be opened if someone has triplets or gets elected mayor or something.

Find a startup brewery and claim you knew them before anyone else. It’s like bands, but you get to drink them.

But you know what you CAN have right now? Some homebrew! Seriously. Please have some. We tried to make this imperial habanero IPA and, well... just try one and tell us what you think, but also take like 12 more of them. Please. We don’t care what you do with them.

Sorry... yeah, we used too many habaneros. Here’s some milk stout to calm things down. Fine, fine... starting you out on the heavy stuff was a bad move. Have you had any session beers? That’s industry talk for beers that are like the ones you drink now, except, you know... better. Try this gose. It’s like a light beer but salty. Of course that’s a good thing. Haven’t you ever had a michelada? No, not a Michelob. Man, we need to broaden your cocktail and ethnic cuisine horizons too, but that’s a different conversation.

We’re not trying to be pushy. Craft Beer is just an exciting movement we think you’d really appreciate if you gave it a chance. We know you THINK you like the beer you’re drinking now. We were like you once. You just need to free your mind. Like in that En Vogue song, but with more bold hop flavors.

We’re saving this rare beer until someone has twins. It’s too good to waste on a regular one-baby occasion.

And it’s not just about flavor! Craft Beer means you’re supporting the little guy and putting money back into local business. Well, until the little local guy gets bought out by a big conglomerate and you’re forced to turn your back and pretend you never liked their beer anyway. But that just means you get to find a new startup brewery to get super into and claim you knew about before anyone else. It’s like bands, but you get to drink them.

Tell you what, why don’t you come to the beer bar with us. There’s this great one that just opened with 47 taps and you have to hold up a candle to read the beer menu because they only use lighting technology that was available before World War I. The cicerone is amazing. That just means smart beer person. We’ll get you a beer flight and some of their sublime pomme frites with garlic aioli and it’ll be great. Oh, that just means you’re going to drink a lot of tiny beers and dip some French fries in mayonnaise. Anyway, we’re sure you’ll find something you like.

Okay it’s settled then! Let’s open a beer to celebrate! Hmm, we can’t stomach anymore habanero and everything else on hand we’re saving... whatever, let’s just tear into that case you’ve got. We’re actually kind of broke, anyway.