Things You'll Never Hear Beer Nerds Say
Once you get a nerd -- or a beer snob -- talking about the good stuff, you know you'll spend most of the next hour nodding and waiting for them to take a breath so you can excuse yourself. But despite the sheer volume of their opinions about beer, there are some things you will never, ever hear... like the below phrases. Hear them uttered at a beer bar, and its source might be a spy.
Things they'll never say about popular beers and breweries
“Who the hell is Pliny the Elder?”
"Four hours is way too long to wait in line for [insert any beer available in limited quantities]."
"I, for one, am happy to see my favorite brewery finding enough success to expand."
“Nah, I’ll skip the brewery tour this time -- once you’ve seen one, you’ve pretty much seen them all.”
"There's no way I'm going to that brewery, it's too far away."
Things they'll never say about hoppy beers
"How many IBUs does this have again? Eh, it doesn't matter. Even a little bit of hop flavor is good enough for me!"
"Looks like America's craft brewers have finally made an IPA that's too bitter for my taste!"
"IPA? More like IP-U. Those beers stink."
Things they'll never say about drinking beer in bars
“No, no -- a regular pint glass is totally fine.”
“I hate when they don’t fill the glass all the way to the top. I paid for 16 ounces of beer, and I want my 16 ounces, dammit, not this foam garbage.”
“Why wouldn’t you order a draft beer at a dive bar? Good beer is good beer.”
“What do you mean, ‘do I want a flight?’ Are you a tap room or a travel agency?”
“Can I get an orange with this hefeweizen?”
“Gross, this cask beer is all warm and flat.”
“What’s the lightest beer you’ve got? Yeah, I’ll have that.”
"Whatever beer you have is fine, my good man."
"I'll get this round!"
Things they'll never say about internet beer culture
"I don't know why so many people care about what badges they have on Untappd."
"Why the hell would I ever waste my time commenting on a beer message board on the internet?"
"There are people who know more about beer than I do, and I'm okay with that."
"Thrillist employs very smart beer writers who are never wrong about anything (especially that Lee Breslouer guy when he ranks pumpkin beers)."
"I always buy beer without checking its RateBeer score, because that metric is worthless."
Things they'll never say in general
"I don't take beer drinking too seriously, we're all just here to have fun."
"I wish they sold this in 30 packs."
"I'll have the house red with the steak."
"It doesn't matter who has invested in this brewery. What matters is that the beer tastes good."
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