Goats do Roam 2013 Red Table Wine (750mL), $9-$11
Like the goose that laid a golden egg, this South African wine estate is in possession of priceless goats -- 600 of them, who mysteriously churn out wine instead of milk. Yeah, that’s bullsh*t, but seriously, how awesome would that be? The 2013 vintage is all Fair Trade Certified grapes -- a blend of Shiraz, Mourvedre, Grenache, Cinsault, Carignan, and some grape called Durif, fermented with yeasts from the Rhône Valley, this wine will have you beh-beh-behgging for more. Sorry.
Crosby 2010 Cab Sauv (750mL), $9-$11
The guy who proclaims that there are no good California Cabs under $20 is about to be kicked in the mouth with intense blackberry, plum, and black currant flavors. Let this Cab serve as a reminder of where you began once you start dropping Benjamins on cult Cabs from Napa.
Jonathan Cristaldi is uncomfortable in anything other than a three-piece bespoke suit, of which he owns five to 10, depending on when you ask. During the first half of his decade-long NYC tenure, Cristaldi produced and performed in hypnotic, whiskey-fueled spectacles as "Jonny Cigar", before starting The Noble Rot, a clandestine traveling saloon that merged performance with "legitimate drinking". He currently resides in LA, is deputy editor at TastingPanelMag.com, and mines for gold on the weekends. Brazenly follow him @NobleRotNYC.