Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd)
Extra-dry gin martini
There's no adult beverage more precise or ideal than a briskly stirred extra-dry gin martini, and if anyone knows perfection, dear Virgo, it's you. Served up and graced with an immaculate green olive, the cocktail's crisp, clean flavors slice effortlessly through all the infuriating, messy bullshit you have to sort through day after day. Your roommate's filthy dishes, errant typos on subway ad posters, how insanely impossible it is to fold a fitted sheet -- all of that illogical, idiotic clutter melts away with each sip. Go ahead, treat yourself.
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd)
When I think of you, Libra, I think of single purple butterfly taking flight against the loveliest pale-blue sky. You're as calming and beautiful as a field of lilacs, yet as easily swayed as a late-summer breeze. You, like the graceful, violet-hued, and precisely constructed Aviation cocktail, are a slave to symmetry, plagued by your compulsive quest to find harmony within life's cacophony. Your drink is as pretty as it is palate-pleasing, but make sure to mix carefully and sip slowly, my delicate flower -- the slightest over-pour, the smallest mistake, and you just might lose your balance.
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st)
To write you off as a mere lustful horndog constantly gripped by carnal desire and jealous rage would be to stupidly ignore all of your layered complexities, Scorp. And just like a sensuous mezcal Negroni, you're as irresistible as you are deceptively potent.
When you commit yourself to something, Scorpio, you're all in, and I respect that. Like when you commit to being an amazing wingman, or say, when you commit to making friends drink with you until 5 in the morning even though you know they have work the next day or, I don't know, when you commit to making out with someone else's girlfriend. That initial smoky, seductive magnetism might distract from a deep underlying power, but it's there, hiding just beyond the bitter Campari notes of that first sip. I'm here for you, pal, but honestly, I'm also a little scared of you.