What Your Astrological Sign Says You Should Drink

Whether you're into it or not, everybody with a birthday has a sign. Believers have been tracking the stars for thousands of years, using ethereal patterns to determine everything from romantic compatibility to the existence of God.

But these days, in an era that favors science and reason over celestial speculation, what good is a zodiac sign if it can't be used to determine something as important and essential as a person's ideal cocktail order? Also, what good is all this useless astrological knowledge in my head if I can't figure out a way to apply it to drinking? This time, your poison picks you.

Spicy Paloma 
You, Aries, are a real lovable piece of work. An explosive combination of willpower, courage, drive, and impulse, you're known to face every obstacle like a juiced-up cagefighter ready to pounce. The Spicy Paloma's mix of hot serrano peppers, sweet agave, and zesty grapefruit fuels your insatiable inner fire, while the drink’s lively carbonation makes it go down quick as soda pop (because we all know you wouldn't know patience if it ripped off your Lucha Libre mask and punched you in your beautiful face).

Rye Old Fashioned
Taurus, I like you. As both my moon and my rising fall in Taurus, I'd like to think we're the same, you and I. We speak softly, we carry big sticks. We're sharpshooters, loyal as a chocolate lab with the stubborn stoicism of a resting ox. We enjoy life's earthly pleasures -- nothing too extravagant, just the love of a good woman, a dry-aged porterhouse, the simple comfort of a riveted brown leather Chesterfield, and, of course, a rye Old Fashioned. This slow-sipping, dependable classic is us in a rocks glass, rustically handsome with just a touch of citrusy spice. Cheers, brother.

Hurricane 
Here you are, Gemini, as directionless and free and as the damn wind, rocking the world like a hurricane. Your friends adore you for your big heart, sharp wit, and charming, curious nature, but that million-dollar smile just barely masks the tide of anxiety cresting deep within your chest. Soothe your disjointed soul with this Tiki favorite, where dark and light rum -- much like the eternal push and pull of your internal yin and yang -- join together in sweet passion fruit-flavored harmony, if only for the few peaceful minutes between taking your first sip and forgetting where you left your drink.

Milk punch
You can try to act tough, Cancer, side-stepping around in your protective exoskeleton, but I see you. One tiny crack in that crab shell and you're a puddle of raw, unadulterated emotion, oozing with love, intuition, insecurity, and a profound affection for anything "cozy." How about you stay in tonight, bud? Just snuggle up with a mug of warm milk punch and let that velvety combination of brandy, heavy cream, and sugar carry you through every sociocultural documentary Netflix has to offer. It's going to be OK, dear Cancer, I promise.

The Last Word 
I just don't know how you do it, L. You're a true individual without a bashful bone in your well-toned body; a natural-born leader with blindingly bright intellect, boundless generosity, classic good looks, and a lion's share of head-turning charisma. Plus, you smell AMAZING.

Wait, are you seriously doing close-up magic right now?? You never cease to impress, Leo. I hope you don't mind if I call you Leo. May I be so forward as to offer you a cocktail whose bold, vibrant -- some might even say audacious, even arrogant, but, hey, I'm sure they're just jealous -- combination of dry gin and herbaceous green Chartreuse reflects not only your standout character but also your calm and unwavering strength? Please, your honor, do enjoy.

Extra-dry gin martini
There's no adult beverage more precise or ideal than a briskly stirred extra-dry gin martini, and if anyone knows perfection, dear Virgo, it's you. Served up and graced with an immaculate green olive, the cocktail's crisp, clean flavors slice effortlessly through all the infuriating, messy bullshit you have to sort through day after day. Your roommate's filthy dishes, errant typos on subway ad posters, how insanely impossible it is to fold a fitted sheet -- all of that illogical, idiotic clutter melts away with each sip. Go ahead, treat yourself.

The Aviation 
When I think of you, Libra, I think of single purple butterfly taking flight against the loveliest pale-blue sky. You're as calming and beautiful as a field of lilacs, yet as easily swayed as a late-summer breeze. You, like the graceful, violet-hued, and precisely constructed Aviation cocktail, are a slave to symmetry, plagued by your compulsive quest to find harmony within life's cacophony. Your drink is as pretty as it is palate-pleasing, but make sure to mix carefully and sip slowly, my delicate flower -- the slightest over-pour, the smallest mistake, and you just might lose your balance.

Mezcal Negroni
To write you off as a mere lustful horndog constantly gripped by carnal desire and jealous rage would be to stupidly ignore all of your layered complexities, Scorp. And just like a sensuous mezcal Negroni, you're as irresistible as you are deceptively potent. 

When you commit yourself to something, Scorpio, you're all in, and I respect that. Like when you commit to being an amazing wingman, or say, when you commit to making friends drink with you until 5 in the morning even though you know they have work the next day or, I don't know, when you commit to making out with someone else's girlfriend. That initial smoky, seductive magnetism might distract from a deep underlying power, but it's there, hiding just beyond the bitter Campari notes of that first sip. I'm here for you, pal, but honestly, I'm also a little scared of you.

Hemingway daiquiri 
Like your signature rum-and-lime cocktail, you're a bright and invigorating breath of fresh air. Independent, creative, and outgoing, you, Sag, are an archer through and through, with an arrow forever aimed at your next adventure. Careful though, all this future-seeking can be distracting. You might spend hours browsing luxury hotel websites, for example, which will inevitably lead to several grand in credit card debt because winter was tough this year and Miami is just a few hours away, practically a staycation, if you think about it. Friend, take a moment, put down the AmEx, and instead quell that insurmountable wanderlust by fixing yourself a Hemingway daiquiri -- it will transport you to a tropical paradise where you can let your carefree freak flag fly.

Vieux Carre
Bad girl Ri-Ri might not officially share your celestial birthright, Capricorn, but I'll bet dollars to donuts you're still blasting "Work" on repeat. Because if there's one thing you love, my ambitious little goat, it's character-building, back-breaking, free market-boosting hard work.

Much like a chilled coupe brimming with French Cognac, sharp rye, and Bénédictine (an herbal liqueur so special only three people in the world know its recipe), people have always considered you just a hair more mature than the rest. Or at least that's what you tell yourself. But why shouldn't you? You're a go-getter. Who cares if you had to step on a few lazy slobs along the way? They simply didn't want it as much as you, Cap. So put down that torch and raise a Vieux Carre to your tireless climb up the professional ladder -- you know you deserve every succulent, silky ounce.

Absinthe colada
They sure broke the mold when they made you, Aquarius. Like your cocktail, you're as sweet and playful as a daiquiri with the philosophical depth of absinthe -- an unconventional enigma who thrives on creative expression, forward thinking, and revolution. That's an admirable combination, 'Quari, even if your art isn't for everyone. I, for one, think your splatter paintings are stunning. And that "Feel the Bern" T-shirt you designed? Gorgeous! I'll take two. Speaking of taking two, let's get another round of coladas. After a few of these, peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars, just trust me.

Death in the Afternoon
Oh Pisces, you're the slipperiest of them all. Like moody Cancer, you're sensitive and compassionate, teeming with capital-F feelings. Yet unlike those crabby homebodies, you're bubbly and expressive, exhibiting a flair for the dramatic befitting this lively absinthe-spiked Champagne cocktail. You’re just as enticing and enigmatic as your drink's murky emerald glow, though you flip-flop between self-centered and self-sacrificing like an angel fish leaping from its $4,000 salt water tank. Next time you feel like jumping, my sweet swimmer, try dipping your mystical fins into a Death in the Afternoon instead. After all, it's your ocean, Pisces, we're just swimming in it.

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