Lifestyle

I Ranked 10 Hangover Cures

The Superbowl is the Christmas of sporting events and should be celebrated as such—heavy food, loud yelling, numerous beers, and an unrepairable rift with your family and friends that will haunt you for the rest of your life. But what do you do when the excitement calms and you're left with a sore throat, a belly full of booze and a hangover on deck?

In keeping with the tradition of feeling terrible the morning after a major event, I tried out some of the best hangover cures on the market and rated the results and simply as I could—how good I felt when I woke up. I would say something along the lines of "don't try this at home," but these are all cure that you should specifically try out at home. Now can somebody please turn the lights down?

10. Toniiq—$28
Ingredients: Toniiq contains Lingzhi, which is a blend of antioxidants, triterpenes, and polysaccharides that does way more than soothe your headache—it straight-up cradles your liver in its loving arms and gives it the good stuff. 
The Morning After: Take one black pill before bedtime and the white one when you wake up. The morning after on Toniiq is just enough to squeak by for the rest of the day. It dulls the symptoms, but doesn't really fully get rid of the pain which is important in reminding you of those four shots of Fireball—which, I think, is vital in choosing what you drink next time you're out. 

9. The I.V. Doctor—$245
Ingredients: 2,000 milliliters of Lactated Ringers, Zofran, Pepcid, Toradol, B12
The Morning After: Our dear friend, and Thrillist editor, Dave Blend tried this one himself and sung its praises. The PA who administered the I.V. admits that the hangover I.V. is an industry secret among fellow doctors, firefighters, and basically anyone who has a truly important job and can't be sidetracked by some nausea. It's everything you need to fight a hangover pumped directly into your bloodstream. Still—$245 for sweet relief? That's pricey. 

8. Party Smart
Ingredients: Party smart contains a smorgasbord of herbal (read: ineffective) ingredients that prevent the buildup of acetaldehyde in the liver—which is produced by the partial oxidation of ethanol and is the cause of hangovers. 
The Morning After: "Caution: PartySmart will not prevent intoxication and is not intended to treat or prevent the consequences of excessive alcohol consumption.” This is actually on the back of the Party Smart package. So, you really can't call them out for false advertising. Needless to say, second time was not a charm. There's nothing charming about emailing your work friends and telling them you're going to be penning articles from your bed as you're curled up in a fetal position.
Conclusion: PartySmart forces you to be smart in the way that you party, because herbal remedies don't work.

7. UrgentRX—$13.95
Ingredients: 325 milligrams of Aspirin and food coloring. 
The Morning After: Admittedly, it can be tough to swallow a pill when your mouth tastes like old shoes and your stomach is churning like a draining tub. UrgentRX is simply aspirin and flavoring and is an easy way for quick relief. Like most hangover cures of this caliber, it doesn't last as long as needed and you'll feel the ol' sting of bad decision a few hours after you drink it up.  
 

6. Alka-Seltzer$9.99
Ingredients: Sodium bicarbonate, aspirin, and anhydrous citric acid — all used for the relief of heartburn, acid indigestion, and stomach aches. Akin to a Starburst that'd fallen under the couch.
The Morning After: Alka-Seltzer is kind of like getting bitten in the arm by a cheetah and then putting a band-aid over the wound. It cures the symptoms in a very superficial way, but just doesn't have the staying power that's necessary. Still, that first hour or two after the refreshing fizzle hit the tongue was very pleasant. It's a reminder to use restraint while drinking, because the second wave of a hangover is when a cure is most necessary. 
Conclusion: Ah, if only that damn cheetah bite wasn't so fierce.

5. Resqwater - $26.94
Ingredients: Prickly pear extract, B vitamins, N-acetyl L-cysteine, and Milk Thistle. Resqwater is supposed to be taken "during and after a night of drinking" and kinda smells ike an old gym sock wrapped in a teenage boy's pillow case. 
The Morning After: Shockingly, as the liquid goes down, a sort of clarity floods the brain and provides a temporary relief from the haze of drunkenness. Milk Thistle has, throughout history, been used as a hangover cure. The bitter tincture rids the organs of toxins after heavy drinking. The morning after, despite some slight fatigue, Resqwater seemed to work.

4. Blowfish—$11.99
Ingredients: Aspirin and Caffeine. Kind of a no brainer. 
The Morning After: This is essentially a cup of coffee and an aspirin folded into one pill, except it's way easier on the stomach. Blowfish tablets are dropped into a glass of water and dissolve into a mixture that tastes like Gatorade and Powerade had sex and made a tasty baby. You really can't knock that classic combination. After about 20 minutes, the concoction worked its magic and it was as if all those tallboys of PBR from the prior night were just filled with water. The main ingredient in Blowfish is a cyclooxygenase inhibitor—which is fancy for "makes bad things feel less bad." In any case, pain is just weakness leaving the body.
Conclusion: Easy on the tum, which is vital for the morning you feel like dying. 

3. Coffee—$Varied
Ingredients: Coffee obviously contains caffeine. Caffeine is a vasoconstrictor, which means it reduces the size of blood vessels and quells the pounding headache a hangover causes. Like a double-edged sword, caffeine is a mild diuretic, which can make you dehydrated if you down a lot of cups. And, of course, there's the poop. 
The Morning After: Call it brand loyalty, but screw all this diuretic propaganda, there's nothing like a hot cup of black coffee the morning after a hangover. Paired with a cigarette, (or something close) a nice cup of coffee will take your mind off your bad decisions.

2. Drinkwel—$39.95
Ingredients: Vitamin C, vitamin E, thiamin, riboflavin, niacin, vitamin B6, folic acid, vitamin B12, biotin, magnesium, zinc, milk thistle, kudzu flower, artichoke leaf powder, green tea extract, acerola berry, goji berry. 
The Morning After: Drinkwel is a favorite among my crowd, as I pimp it out to everyone willing to listen. You could drink anything the night before and still feel tip-top the next day—plus it makes you piss neon. The only side effect, though, is a distinct lack of energy the following day. However, I know most of us would rather feel sleepy than nauseous and on the brink of death. 

1. DripDrop—$9.99
Ingredients: Sodium citrate, potassium citrate, chloride, magnesium citrate, zinc aspartate, sucrose, fructose, dextrose and sucralose. 
The Morning After: This military-grade hangover cure is a true godsend. A fan-favorite among the Supercompressor HQ, DripDrop is the only thing we're willing to drink after a night of celebrating or grieving—depending on which team you're rooting for—one packet of this stuff in water will straight-up make you feel better. The secret is the elite combination of rehydration agents that replenish your body and give you the energy your to make bad choices all over again. 


Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and thinks the best hangover cure is cat's tail, bat's blood, and a dash of young boy's tears.