Richard Feynman was a theoretical physicist who died in 1988, and never experienced the true joy of hanging out with the modern bro in a bar. But he strangely described the sensation of bro-ing out at a watering hole perfectly: "All things are made of atoms -- little particles that move around in perpetual motion, attracting each other when they are a little distance apart, but repelling upon being squeezed into one another."
When you're amongst bros in a bar, you will see each one of these fine young men/atoms. We've ranked the fellas here from the least annoying bro to the worst bro you could ever hope to avoid. You know them, you love (some of) them. Here is every single type of bro you’ll encounter at the bar.
16. The bro who's buying
God bless you, you rich, smug bastard! And yes, we sure will have another one of those Scotches from the tippity-top shelf!
15. The bro who can’t stop belting this song
"SWEEEEEEEET CAROLINEEEEEE BAH BAH BAHHHHHH"
14. Sports bro
He will not shut up about that Middle Tennessee State game on ESPN Ocho that he can't believe you haven't seen yet. It's in a fifth overtime. He holds up his phone so you can see his ESPN app... because you have to watch it with him! When the game's over, he tells you how disappointed he is that you have no plans to do fantasy women's college softball this spring.
13. The brotender
This guy watched that one scene in Crazy, Stupid, Love. where Ryan Gosling makes an Old Fashioned on repeat. So he's pretty sure he knows more than the bartender about how to make "real cocktails." He tried to hit on a woman by saying, "I'm pretty sure they don't even make their own ice here," and scoffing loudly, but for some reason she wasn't interested.
SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS! EVERYBODY!
11. EDM bro
It seems like he's on Molly right now. He's not, but he has taken it at every electronic music festival he's attended. And since there's seemingly one every weekend between New Year's and Christmas -- not just between Christmas and New Year's -- it's definitely changed his brain chemistry somehow. He's a little... slower. But maybe happier? It's tough to tell. He's wearing a mesh neon hat backwards, Kanye shutter shades, and no shirt even though it's -3 outside. But hey, at least he has found his tribe. Let him enjoy it.
10. Emotional bro
He loves to watch YouTube videos of puppies frolicking while nursing his drink. He writes poetry on bar napkins and hands them out to women he's interested in. He tells everyone his favorite artist is Sara Bareilles, but he doesn't even know how to pronounce her last name. "Love me some Bare-Isles," he says.
9. The politibro
Talking to him is like communicating with the ill-informed love child of the worst AM talk radio host and the uncle from SNL. He says the only trustworthy site for the real unfiltered news they don't want you to know about is httprofessor://newzblitz.freedom. You try to go to the site on your phone and it immediately explodes in your hand. Maybe this guy knows something... ?
8. Jekyll and bro
He doesn’t seem like a bro at first. He's dressed normal, which is to say that he isn't wearing a tank with a half-naked woman on it from Zumiez. But after a few shots with LMFA-bro, something changes. His bro-tendencies sneak up on you. First, he hits on a married woman (Casa-bro-va -- see No. 5) and then shoves a guy just for the hell of it (UFCBRO -- see No. 1). When he wakes up the next morning, he won't remember any of it.
7. The elevator pitch bro
He buys you a beer because he's a friend of a friend, which makes him your friend instantly in his brain. You chat casually about the weather, the game on TV, and the glory of the new xXx movie. “He's a good guy,” you think, until seconds later he asks if you'd be interested in hearing about “a once-in-a-lifetime investment opportunity.” You desperately try to bring up Xander Cage again, but he's dead-set on talking about this time share in Tahoe that you need to get in on.
He gave you a death glare when he overheard you ordering a generic light beer. You know what's coming next: a crash course in Craft Beer 101. Twenty minutes later the beersplaining is over, and all you remember are the phrases "Chinook hops," "proper tasting glassware," and "it's important to live life at full gravity, bro."
If this bar were a casino, he'd be putting his chips on every number on the roulette table. He likes to play the odds with the ladies by hitting on them all. Even ones wearing wedding rings. This night will not end well for him.
4. Broke bro
This guy is a gem! He ordered a round of tequila shots -- not even the cheap stuff, either! -- and handed them out to random people! It's nice when people do things for others without expecting anything in retur... did he just run out of the bar without paying?
He needs beta testers, and he won't shut up until you give him your number so he can text you a link to download it. He says the app streams movies to your phone. "Like Netflix?" you ask. His face drops. He hadn't thought of that. Well, he's got another app, too! "It delivers food to your apartment," he says. Like Seamless? You ask. "It's better than Seamless," he says. "It plays EDM while you wait for the food to arrive."
2. Finance bro
He has a custom-made framed Martin Shkreli poster on his bedroom wall. He could explain to you what exactly his job entails, but he thinks you're too stupid to understand derivatives. He's wearing a clearly custom button-down and shoes that look so new it's clear he wears things once and throws them away. He took an Uber XL to the bar because he doesn't want to put mileage on his foreign sports car that only cost half his yearly bonus.
For some, the bar is not just a place to hang out and have a drink. It's also an unofficial MMA gym, and every man in the bar is eligible to be put in a rear naked choke. That guy who accidentally brushed him with his shoulder? He needs to be choked out. The bouncer who took a little too long inspecting his ID at the door? Choke that dude out. Yeah, bro, he's coming for you too! It's going down tonight, and he will loudly promise to do to you what Diaz did to McGregor... but instead will probably just smash a pint glass on the back of your head while you're not paying attention.
Sign up here for our daily Thrillist email, and get your fix of the best in food/drink/fun.