"I waft in coffee smells like an idiot."
A serious coffee guru-type once told me that what you're paying for in specialty coffee is mostly the smell. So when I'm brewing, I damn well waft those delectable fumes into my nose and close my eyes. For a few moments I'm no longer in a crappy kitchen with a full sink of dishes, but rather in a poetic cloud of savory coffee fumes, and I'm sure I look like a real douche.
"Buy pre-ground coffee? I don't respect you."
Using pre-ground coffee is the equivalent of cooking a hamburger patty in the microwave. You don't need a fancy grill, but at least cook it on the stove. A $10 grinder will make a world of difference.
"I make up lies to avoid crappy coffee."
I hate to lie, but one of the few exceptions is when I'm offered a cup that's been smoldering on a hot plate for an hour. I will say that I already had coffee, even if I haven't, or that it makes it hard for me to sleep. But it doesn't! I'm a liar! And when I do drink filthy brown coffee, I put so much milk and sugar in it that it basically becomes a lukewarm milkshake.