When coffee goes in your body, it isn't unusual for crap to come out (science explains why here). But when it comes to coffee snobs, they're so good at drinking it that the crap comes out of more orifices than one.
Here are the most annoying things you'll hear an obnoxious coffee geek say, with some basic translation for those who don't know their pulp naturals from pulp fiction.
“Chick-fil-A actually has great coffee.”
"You been to [the new, hot, independent coffee shop]?"
It didn't live up to expectations.
“I had to throw the beans away because they went stale.”
No one has ever said this except for a coffee snob. Ever.
“I can't wait to see what Tim Wendelboe does next!”
If you're not knee-deep in the coffee world, you probably don't care what a Nordic barista celebrity is up to.
“I'm not really into flavor descriptions.”
Coffee snobs profess to hate it when companies use descriptors like "blackberry currant" or "apple orchard" or "snozzberries" or "purple-flavored Gushers," but without them a little part of their soul would wilt.
“I need to invest in better water filtration.”
Coffee is 97% water, so the water you use is important. But it's also the most ridiculous thing on which you could spend several hundred dollars.
“There's no substitute for a good conical burr grinder.”
It's true! Grinding is incredibly important! But buying a grinder that costs as much as a used Toyota Camry is basically the coffee nerd equivalent of lifting your truck tires.
“I don't know why everyone wouldn't use an AeroPress.”
An AeroPress is a cheap, quick, and easy way to make a very good cup of coffee at home. But everyone doesn't use it because of this guy called Mr. Coffee. And because most people think an AeroPress is a fancy exercise they do in CrossFit.
“Is that coffee a natural or honey-processed?”
The vest-wearing bean-head behind this common question is asking about how the coffee is dried after being picked. Even the most condescending of baristas probably doesn't have an answer.
“Have you been to origin?”
By "origin," a coffee geek means a place where coffee is grown. This is a serious coffee geek gold star and something that will be brought up in conversation whenever possible.
“This is amazing... for a Mexican coffee.”
As much as coffee geeks love lauding praise on iconic coffee-growing countries like Ethiopia, there's even more pleasure in discovering a solid bean from an underrated coffee country and distinguishing it from the rest of that country's coffee, which must be total trash.
"Iced coffee sucks."
“I'll see you at the latte art throwdown.”
This is a thing that people go to and enjoy.
“How is the espresso pulling today?”
What a fickle beast an espresso machine is! So complicated, temperamental, and moody. Did it eat a nice breakfast? Get a decent night's sleep? All important factors to ask your barista about.
“Do you have anything other than drip coffee?”
If this is a question you have to ask, the answer is obviously no. Chill out and live a day like the plebes with a regular coffee that didn't take three minutes of slow, circular hand-pouring to make.
“Yeah, this coffee is really good...”
When it's definitely not. This might be the most likely thing you'll hear from a coffee snob outside of his native habitat. Even the worst snobs know when to take a sip, smile, and not take another sip.