Food & Drink

Congratulations on Your Dry January, Loser

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DearMr.DryJanuary,

You did it! 30 days without a throat-hug from everyone's favorite liquid confidence affirmer, alcohol. You have boldly gone where no man has gone before, to the Strange World of Completed Resolutions, only to return to overshare your Life Lessons with every moderate drinker, as if they were moon rocks, or alien skeletons, or something remotely interesting.

Even though you hate talking finances, I'm happy to hear about All The Money You Saved. Especially since my own resolution was to tighten the ol' belt (figuratively, we'll get to literally in the next graph). Gone are the days of forgetting to close your tab and returning with hungover tail between legs to a bartender who joyfully piles on a gratuity greater than the girth of my checking account and roughly equivalent to the cost of my first overdraft fee of the year. Chase ain't stealing no Ghost Andrew Jacksons from you, in fact every time you leave your house it's like a stranger Venmo's you three beers worth of funds with a comment linking to Kendrick Lamar's “Money Trees.”

I'm happy to hear about All The Money You Saved.

But hey, money isn't everything right? At least I have my health. But you've also got my health, except 10 pounds less of it, and two extra hours of the day to enjoy it because you can wake up without a dozen snooze button slams. 

Congrats on your brain functioning smoother without the boozy fog that surrounds my mornings. I'm so glad you're sleeping sounder and lucid dreaming -- flying like an expensive kite and speaking to dead relatives and boning supermodel versions of your first crush. Please, go on about how good it feels to have invaluable insights from your great grandfather and the wind in your hair and your tongue in Katherine Woodward's mouth.

And speaking of invaluable insights, I'm also happy to know about your newfound sober observation powers and how you learned so much from “people watching." Consider for a minute just how condescending that phrase sounds. I get it, it's like you were bit by a radioactive social butterfly and while everyone else blindly fumbles to understand game theory your sociologist senses are tingling with wild observations about just how intoxicated everyone else always seems to act. At a bar. Which is so weird. 

Congrats on your brain functioning smoother without the boozy fog that surrounds my mornings.

Cheers to you sir! Let's clink glasses now that you're back on the wagon, of which you sit in the front row of, staring back at us normal drinkers. I'm certain your next 11 months of moderate alcohol consumption will be totally different from last year's, now that you've Learned So Much From Not Drinking For 31 Days. Congratulations.

Sincerely,

Guy Who Is About To Put A Shot On Your Tab

P.S. I saw you Instagram a beer on January 7th.

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Dan Gentile is a staff writer at Thrillist. His New Year's resolutions are to work out more, make a budget, and eat right. Follow him to a severe case of the ha ha ha's at @Dannosphere.