Meet the Craft Beer Bro. And Get Used to Him.
Hey bro, whatcha drinking? Is that the new single-hop one-off that got a 100 on BeerAdvocate? Shit’s tight. Last year’s was better, but whatever. Maybe it was the harvest. My bro Brent says there was something off with the Ph balance of the soil. Dude went to Iowa, and that’s like, all farms, so he probably knows his shit.
Oh, sorry, we haven't met. I’m the Beer Bro. Maybe you've seen me around. I kind of stick out around here a little, don't I? I didn't have time to change out of my suit after work in the Financial District, and I wanted to get right here because today was brutal. Like, mad brutal. So I came straight to my favorite beer bar. You know how it is, holmes. Gotta get my hops on.
You've probably been seeing me more and more, too. I noticed when you peered out from behind your tulip and stroked your beard just because I asked the bartender at the beer bar if he could put on the State game the other day. Apparently, they don’t have a TV here and I had to watch it on my iPhone. They don't even have Wi-Fi, either, so my data rates were like "whoa." But whatever, man, it was a blowout. Sorry I was yelling so much. That tap takeover was tight though.
I sometimes bring my bros here too. It's kind of a compromise, since I always go with them over to Sluggers for games, but they don't even clean their taps that often, so you have to go with bottles. You know how many bottles it takes to fill a pitcher? A bunch. But whatever. Sometimes, it's bros before gose. They’re good guys, and they’ll come here with me sometimes. They get all stoked because they have beers that're, like, 12%, which really makes the chug-offs epic. Me, I'll stick with my sesh IPA. They say I’m a wuss, but whatever.
Yo, you cellar, brah? I'm looking to make a trade. Or hell, I’ll just give you cash if you’ve got a Hunahpu I can buy off you. I flew down to Florida for a beach party and chill sesh a couple months ago and got an allotment of it, but I slammed that shit right away because shit, that shit's so good. And it’s not like they’re gonna have good shit like that on a flight, so I had to get my pre-flight on, ya know? I don’t even know why they call that shit first class with those plastic cups. But it'd look tight next to the 2013 KBS I got online last month. Reeeeal tight.
Oh, dude? Are you going to Pliny day this year? My friend has a condo in Santa Rosa, so we're gonna tear it up in San Fran then head up there. You should come!
Yo, where are all the girls at here? This place is always such a sausage fest. My girl Rachel won't come here with me usually because the bartender wouldn’t serve her a vodka cran. I’m like, "drink lambic, baby," but she's an idiot. But she’s cool. She might still swing by. She's with her weird friend with the glasses, and she's into the crafty stuff. One time at a Dave show I saw her pound like five smoked porters in my company's suite. You might like her. I’ll introduce you.
Oh, do they put oranges in the beer here, bro? Because if Rachel gets here, you can trick her into drinking wheat beer if there's an orange.
Hey, am I bugging you? Because you're rolling your eyes a lot. Look, I get it. This is your little craft beer world, and me rolling in looking all dope and shit probably disrupts it. We speak a different language, don’t we? And you expect that because I'm well off and put together that I probably only drink light beer.
Well guess what, brah? Connoisseurship comes in all shapes and sizes, and it's not yours and yours alone. Craft beer is everywhere, and I don’t need a neckbeard to enjoy it. It’s for everybody. I’m sorry if I have decent taste and the money to support going to my favorite breweries or collecting rare shit that you just dream about while you write reviews on RateBeer. Just because I don’t look like you and sometimes get laid (pssssht... "sometimes") doesn't mean I can’t also love great beer, or come to these dope spots to enjoy it. Assimilation, bro. Look it up. It's a negative. Type-O, amiright?
I'm not going anywhere. And you're going to be seeing more and more people just like me. Because, face it, we're part of the reason that craft beer is blowing up like it is, just as much as you are. And as it spreads, we're gonna just keep coming and coming. So, like, just be my friend, bro. Otherwise, we're gonna have a --
Sorry, bro. Rach showed up. This round's on me. RACHEL, OVER HERE! COME MEET MY NEW HOMIE.
No, you're good? Alright man. I'll see you soon. And often.
A Craft Beer Bro
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