The 10 Craft Beer Commandments
On the seventh day, the Lord rested, likely with a delicious beer, which he made sometime in between the stars and the naked mole rat (thus explaining that stupid-looking thing). And it was good. Really, really good.
Like all heavenly gifts, man hath bastardized and disrespected beer. Even the craft kind. Passing judgment on others. Wasting and wanting at the same time. We've taken the Lord's work and tarnished it with sin. But while we are but men, we can minimize our craft beer-drinking sins by following these 10 commandments of craft beerdom. How you handle yourself beyond that? Well, that's between you and the big guy.
Thou shalt not judge
Some prefer their stouts ice cold. Some Anglophiles preach the gospel of warm beer to pair with unnecessarily putting the letter "U" in things. Pass not judgment on those who partake in the gifts of beer in the manner they most enjoy, for it is not the beer lover’s job to judge others' preferences. At least to their faces.
Thou shalt be generous but not pushy
Generosity of spirit and rare beer can help receive the keys to the kingdom, but be not overly pushy. For while some might rejoice at the prospect of receiving unto him a taste of last year's KBS, the guy who explicitly hates stout could find your evangelical insistence off-putting. Plus, waste not KBS, want not KBS, for there is a special sub-circle in hell for doing such.
Thou shalt not gloat
Let not your experience become your sole claim to fame. Your pilgrimage to Belgium should not dominate your conversations, nor should your RateBeer screen name be referenced in casual conversation. Speaking at length about your cellar does nothing for anybody without access to it. For thy cellar is actually a closet, and thy boastfulness is thy downfall.
Thou shalt respect the ABV
Those who rush to consume in quantity without regard to impact are forever doomed to explain increasingly lewd text messages to exes the next day.
Thou shalt not speak in tongues
A firm understanding of the terminology contained in the gospel of beer is a mighty tool, but speak not in abbreviations, scientific terms, or multi-syllabic insider terms when describing your beverages of choice. That shit doth make you sound pretentious.
Thou shalt not bait and switch
Shame befalleth those who approach a party with a six-pack of gas station tallboys, and who then drinketh the better beer brought by a friend who opted for a trip to the bottle shop. For their shifty ways and veiled thievery shall cause the ruination of at least one night. Or, at the very least, force the thoughtful to compromise.
Thou shalt share the rare
If a treasure is unearthed in the company of others who love beer, allow that treasure to be shared openly. Spited is the man who walks the Earth talking about the deliciousness of the contents of his glass, yet denies others a small taste of heaven.
Thou shalt not worship false idols
It is a fool who cracks a hyped-up bottle of something rare and expensive, yet continues to extol its virtues when he discovers it tastes like an Old Testament plague. For he is inadvertently encouraging others to purchase it with his assessment that it is "unique" and "interesting" if he continues to praise that which tastes of piss.
Thou shalt keep an open mind
Woe to the man who vows to never let an IPA touch his lips because he did not care for the first one he tried 10 years ago. Palates and tastes evolve. Happy is the beer drinker who is open to the journey, and walks his path free of blinders.
Thou shalt kill
Shame be upon he who kills people, but praise be upon he who kills bombers, growlers, pitchers, and kegs, for he who never wastes beer shall not go thirsty.
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