If you're going to bring a flask, or a little box of wine, at least have the decency to be a cheapskate in the bathroom stall. Nope, that class act chooses to do it at the bar, where the people working will incur a fine when they get caught. Because most bars don't sell little boxes of wine (they should though!).
The Overaggressive Drink Rep
He has some great new products that would be perfect for this bar. He showed up during happy hour, and is hovering over the drinks station, getting out 1/4 of a sentence between each drink order, clipboard in hand. He has been there for two hours. You still don't want to stock his pre-mixed Buttery Nipple shots.
The Jukebox Overloader
This dude has enough quarters to listen to the Staind CD that is, for some reason, still in the jukebox. All the way through. For about six hours. Or the duration of the shift.
The Party Busers
Every single person on this list comes pouring into the bar at the same time, demanding your attention for 10 minutes, as if the Legion of Doom decided to do a summer Friday happy hour. Like a hurricane of awful, they’re in and out in a flash, leaving behind a sea of torn coasters, vapor, and another five hours worth of Staind on the juke. It’s only 5pm. It’s going to be a long night.
Andy Kryza is a senior editor on Thrillist's Food & Drink team, and would like to thank the good folks at Portland's Radio Room for letting all these degenerates into their bar at the same time. Follow him to bar-top renditions of "Moby Dick" (the 20-minute version): @apkryza.