We tried Four Loko's new cocktails in a can

The geniuses behind Four Loko are hoping you'll go buck wild for their new booze offerings: cocktails in a can. And while they're not packed with caffeine, the 9.5% ABV will keep you buzzed until the sun comes up.

We popped the top on four different Signature Cocktail flavors, including Sex on the Beach, Long Island Iced Tea, Screwdriver, and the brand-new Moscow Mule. Let's see if they're worth your money.

One thing they're not: Four Loko. These are Signature Cocktails by Loko. Strangely, Loko is not the name of the company releasing these. That's Phusion Projects. Four Loko doesn't even exist anymore in its previous form, which was effectively banned by the FDA for adding caffeine to malt liquor. These have no caffeine in them. Just booze. Got it?
 

This is malt liquor squeezed into a tall-boy. Our guess is that they're designed to appeal to people who want delicious cocktail flavors without the drudgery involved in mixing two or more types of liquor together. Young drinkers! 21-year-olds who are slowly dipping their toes into a great big pool of booze.

That's why, for this taste-test, I asked my girlfriend to tell me if she would've drunk these at 21. I wouldn't have. I only drank Guinness back then, like an elitist, or Irish person. So hop with us in a time machine, and let's get this taste-test going!

Smell: Tropical!
Taste: This tastes like a malt liquor version of Hawaiian Punch, which is the highest honor we can give a drink like this.
Would my girlfriend have drunk this at 21? Absolutely. After she took a sip, I could tell she wanted to put it in a Hurricane glass and walk around Bourbon Street respectfully avoiding doing anything of disrepute.

Smell: Like generic, supermarket-brand ginger ale
Taste: This stuff is sickeningly sweet, and does not remind us of a Moscow Mule in any way, shape, or form. Drinking it out of a copper mug was insulting to the copper mug, and we had to apologize to it afterwards.
Would my girlfriend have drunk this at 21? No.

Smell: Like Sunny D without any booze in it
Taste: While the smell was promising, they must have taken the flavor profile from the time someone accidentally spilled a 40 into a glass of rancid Sunny D.
Would my girlfriend have drunk this at 21? No.

Smell: Like something artificial went bad
Taste: Lots of carbonation in this one, and a super-lemony flavor to boot. Not bad at all, especially considering the smell was initially a huge turn-off.
Would my girlfriend have drunk this at 21? Yes.

The Long Island Iced Tea was by far my favorite, while my girlfriend's 21-year-old self preferred the Sex on the Beach. But we can't recommend these to everyone.

Are you between 21-24? Have you never had a real cocktail before?
Sure, try one. Then go to one of these places and get a real cocktail.

Are you over 24? Do you enjoy drinking malt liquor and don't care what it tastes like?
You're gonna love these!

Lee Breslouer writes about food and drink for Thrillist, and has never had a Four Loko. Follow him at @LeeBreslouer for more elitist opinions.