5. The terrible, horrible, no good, very bad chills stage
Once you’ve positioned yourself on the couch, and come to terms with keeping your eyes open, you begin to realize that you suddenly have the chills, as if someone has replaced your spine with an Icee Freeze, and everyone in the world is simultaneously blowing on your skin. The only way to counter this is to immediately put on three hoodies, a Snuggie, a winter coat, your grandmother’s quilt, a woman’s peacoat, and several paper towels you warmed up in the microwave. None of these things work.