How to Be a Better Beer Snob
Beer snobs come in many shapes and sizes (19, to be exact!). But, like the beers they consume, not all snobs are created equal. But rejoice! There are ways to be the best damn beer snob you can be. Just follow these simple rules and you'll fast become the coolest guy at your table. Possibly because you're the only one, but hey, at least that gives you privacy to fill out your beer diary.
Find a local brewery that everybody loves, then shit all over it
It’s important to have refined tastes. And the masses, my friend, are not refined. Why, that man isn't even following the proper order clearly prescribed on that taster tray.
Talk often and proudly about your cellar
Your cellar is your pride, even if your cellar is actually your attic. It helps to frequently invite strangers into your cellar, too. It doesn’t at all sound like you’re in a Poe story.
Memorize every beer term possible
IBU, HSA, MT, IRA, IIPA, LMNOP... it helps to have mnemonic devices, really. Plus, all the brewers will know you're one of them when you bust out a sentence comprised entirely of abbreviations.
Bring good beer to every party
Not for everyone, mind you. But if you’re going to bless these plebs with your presence, you should at least stay well hydrated. It’s best to bring at least two 22oz bottles with you. Or three, if you really want to get down. Just be sure to bring a cooler bag, so some scrub who wouldn't even appreciate it doesn't accidentally snag it from the fridge.
Call your bartender by name, every time
You’re so close, he even has a pet name for you. It’s “Hey.”
Instagram the shit out of your beer
It’s art, my friend. Every beer is a unique snowflake. And all unique snowflakes look like an imperial pint glass in a dark room.
Attend at least one beer dinner a month
Be sure to bring your own beers as well, just in case the highly trained chef is wrong about what ale goes with the second course. Because he probably is.
Champion a local brewery, then turn on it unexpectedly
“This brewery was way better before they sold out,” you should say, in earshot of the owner, who just hired his first employee to help clean the mash tun.
Inquire frequently about tap cleaning
Nobody should be forced to drink dirty beer, and all bartenders should have OCD. That's just common sense.
Demand appropriate glassware
Don’t even think twice if your saison comes in a goblet. Send it back. And if they don’t have a tulip, promptly leave. Because these fools are ruining everything.
Talk frequently about your RateBeer status
Because you’re respected, dammit. And your opinion matters. Especially to a guy who is not a brewer, nor a beer writer, and just wants you to pay for your beer and let the next guy order.
Engage in elaborate trades
Acquire a CBS for a Hunahpu’s in a trade, regret your decision, and trade it to someone else for a CBS. Never open either.
Keep a beer diary
Be extra sure to write in it after the first sip, think hard, then continue. It should only be pulled out directly at the bar, or in the middle of a conversation.
Speak frequently about your trip to Belgium
“It was incredible! The people were so friendly! The frites? Heel lekker! And the beer... good Lord the beer. It was the best hour-long layover I’ve ever had!”
Always try to make other people better
Tell them why they’re wrong for liking things. And tell them often. They don’t know what they’re doing, after all. They need to be educated to make your life easier. They'll appreciate it, and so will you. Until they start going to your favorite brewery.