Here are two personal visions of hell: a room filled with infinite cheeseburgers, but my mouth is sewn shut, and a room full of infinite ice-cold beers, but I am without an opener. I haven't found a solution to the mouth-sewn-shut thing yet, but the latter's on lock. Here are nine ways to open a beer bottle when an opener isn't available (using your teeth is definitely not one of them).
In any group of people, there's usually at least one person who smokes, loves candles, is planning insurance fraud, or is a just a textbook pyromaniac.
- Flip your lighter (standard Bic works great) upside down so the butt-end is facing up
- Wrap your hand tightly around the bottle neck
- Use your index finger's knuckle as a fulcrum, wedge the lighter between it and the underside of the bottle cap, and use the same motion as a regular bottle opener
You need a book -- paperback -- that's not as thick as Infinite Jest, but holds a little more literary fortitude than the Halo novelization we used above. I suggest Nabokov's early works.
- This one's easy! Just wedge the book between the knuckle of your index finger (like with the lighter!), use it as a fulcrum, and jack that puppy loose.
A door (specifically, its strike plate)
That piece that is in most indoor door frames is called the STRIKE PLATE, which is embarrassing because I've been calling it a "lock hole" my whole life. For shame.
- Take your bottle cap, and hook it on the strike plate (man that's a cool word)
- Grab the bottle with two hands to steady it
- Yank down as hard as you possibly can
An iPhone charger
This is definitely what Jony Ive had in mind. This fulcrum method is a little harder than most, because the charger is so small. This means you don't have much torque. And that's almost always a bad thing.
- Put the blunt side between the knuckle on your index finger and the underside of the bottle cap
- Use the palm of your other hand to give a forceful, downward push -- hold tight, this one slips easily
What kind of place has spoons, but not bottle openers?! Some people need to get their priorities straight.
- This one is super easy and may be the best option on this list
- Basically, use the spoon just like a bottle opener -- flip it spoon-side up, and wedge it under the bottle cap
- Pull up
If you need to sneak some beers at a non-beer-friendly workplace, take the likely red stapler from the catacombs of your beige cubicle and get ready to party! Again, this is a fairly difficult one.
- Remove any staples, if you value your staples
- The easiest way is to take the top corner of your stapler to the underside of the bottle cap -- but you may need to flip it around a few times and find the fit that is right for your particular stapler
- Again, use your index finger's knuckle as a fulcrum
This is a classic and makes you look super cool like Fonzie.
- Find a sturdy table that no one really cares about that much (it might get kind of messed up)
- Take the underside of your bottle cap, and put it against the table edge
- Use the butt of your hand to smash that cap
A damn machete
To be perfectly honest, I use a machete even when there is a bottle opener around.
- BE CAREFUL
- DON'T SUE US
- THIS IS DANGEROUS
- Just put the machete flush against the bottle neck, and slash up, blade-first. The top should pop off.
Another beer bottle
- Grab two beer bottles
- Grasp the neck of one bottle
- Flip the bottle you AREN'T opening upside down
- Wedge the underside of the two bottles using your index finger's knuckle as a fulcrum
- Keep a firm grip, so both bottles don't open, and tear it off
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Wil Fulton is a staff writer for Thrillist. He really loves that machete! Follow him: @wilfulton.