When you piss off a bartender, she's gonna let you know it. When you piss off a waiter, he's gonna let you taste it. But most professional strippers deserve an Oscar for keeping up appearances and not putting a spiked heel in your eye when you break the rules. You should always be nice when a lady rubs herself all over you (and when there's a dude working the door who looks like he got kicked out of MMA). To help you get the most bang for your $1 bills, we consulted the illustrious Elle Stanger from Portland's famed Lucky Devil Lounge to find out whatnot to do when you're at the rack.
Fall asleep Unless the sounds of Hoobastank hypnotize you, you might want to save nap time for later. Falling asleep isn't just insulting to your entertainer, it's gonna get you kicked right out.
Sit at the rack without tipping That whole thing about how most dancers only get paid in tips? It's totally true. So if you're taking in the show without letting at least $1 fly per song (emphasis on "at least"), you're either gonna get called out or catch a stiletto to the eye.
Insist that you just stopped in for a beer So, your favorite neighborhood bar is a place that's 5mi from home and happens to have naked chicks in it, eh? If you're oogling from the bar and not tipping, you're just being a tightwad taking advantage of a free show.
Make it rain… quarters That's actually making it hail, Daddy Warbucks. And coins are total slipping hazards on stage. If you're gonna clean out your change bowl, do it at the bank. Also, REALLY?
Touch (unless you're told to) The overwhelming majority of strip clubs strictly forbid touching… except when it comes to the bouncer, who might touch your face with his knuckles if you try to cop a feel. Let the stripper tell you exactly what you can or can't do. And then follow the rules, perv.
Talk about how much money you make We're happy that gig you landed consulting for OTHER consulting firms is going so well, but if you're such a baller why are you tipping in Canadian change?
Blow in her ear Unless she's on fire, this is just about the creepiest thing you can do to anybody. Just because she's paid to be nice to you doesn't make it ok to blow your Doritos/whiskey breath on her strawberry-scented head.
Come in after the gym There's nothing more attractive to a woman whose job it is to rub up on you than a dude with soggy pits who smells like he just got in a wrestling match with a garbage bag full of spoiled meat.
Show up with an angry girlfriend or a conservative feminist The last thing anyone in a strip club wants to hear is your lady friend complaining that she doesn't want to be there, or a regurgitated Gloria Steinem tirade… and these are people who are forced to listen to Hoobastank all day.
Pout Whatever existential crisis you're having, you're at the strip club to forget about it, so chin up, Johnny Buzzkill. Unless your crisis is an addiction to strip clubs. In which case…
Keep asking her real name No, her real name isn't Chastity Von Areola. But if she wants you to know her real name, she'll tell you. (It's actually Charlene Areolaberg.)
Put your feet on the rack With respect to Zack Morris, this just doesn't look cool. You're not watching football at home. You're watching naked chicks dance. And you're probably about to trip one.
Wear sweatpants We get that you're trying to get the most out of the friction and the first female contact you've had this month, but come on, dude! Most places have dress codes, and while there's a way around it, nobody wants to see your bulge. Or feel it.
Wear coarse wool sweaters You know that sweater your grandma got you that totally chaffs your nips? Imagine how it feels when a dancer rubs her chest on it. Now picture your grandma. Yeah, everyone loses.
Snap photos with your phone Not only is it super pervy to try to take home a keepsake, but in most places it's also illegal to photograph an unknowing naked person. Stop being a creeper.
Actually, just don't pull your phone out Texting and talking is an amateur move… more so than that time you saw a girl face plant on the stage during real amateur night.
Try to tip with food Yes, this actually happens a lot. And no, the pretty lady with her legs splayed out in front of you doesn't want you stuffing a half-chewed sandwich in her maw.
Pretend it's your first time at a strip club when it's clearly not When there's a first-timer in the club, the dancers have a tendency to try to make that experience extra awesome. But if you're faking it, it's not only annoyingly transparent, it's also ruining the fun for that nice farm boy from Nebraska who's visiting the big city for the first time.
Andy Kryza is Thrillist's National Eat/Drink Senior Editor, and has proudly lived vegetable-free since 2001. Follow his adventures/slow decline via Twitter at @apkryza.