How to Sneak Booze Into Any Place, Any Time
"If a law is unjust, a man is not only right to disobey it, he is obliged to do so."
This quote is commonly attributed to Thomas Jefferson, architect of the Declaration of Independence. Unfortunately, it turns out he never said it (womp womp), but its sentiment still rings as true as the freaking Liberty Bell: it’s our right as Americans -- nay, as human beings -- to buck any laws we feel are unwarranted. Just like the misquoted Jefferson & Co. did 250 years ago when they fought for our freedom. If it wasn't for them, we'd all be speaking English right now, gross.
In 2016, draconian decrees ban us from drinking in "public places." (Well, not all of them.) What gives, right? Luckily, there are ways around these public-drinking prohibitions. Including flasks, tips, hacks, and just plain, good old-fashioned sneakery. We're here to tell you all about it, with examples of specific locations as a guide. Don't worry. You can use our method of sneaking booze into a funeral for non-morbid scenarios, too.
The beach is pretty much the best place to drink in public. I mean, Corona has based its entire promotional campaign around this concept and damned if thinking about it doesn't make me want an ice-cold 'Rona right now. But most beaches outlaw drinking. Mainly because they're public places, and also they want to keep glass off the beach. Cool. Let's work this out.
Ingenious flask method!
If you are really worried about getting in trouble, some of the world's greatest citizens have devised beach-centric flasks to help lubricate your summer. The most suitable is, of course, the sunscreen flask. Or, for those who don't mind gin close to their disgusting feet, there's the flip-flop flask by Reef. Also applicable for water parks.
Ingenious DIY method!
If you have a cooler, and feel a little too conspicuous packing it with brews, go for the frozen-liquor look: alcoholic popsicles and ice cubes are a "cool" way to "chill out" on the beach with your favorite spirit. How about using a cooking syringe to put your liquor inside your ice pops?
Ingenious hiding method!
You don't usually get searched at the beach, right? So just bring in some plastic water bottles filled with your favorite alcohol. Mine is Midori! Again, most beaches are very strict on the "no-glass" rule, so this is one way to appease them. More often than not, they'll play ball.
If you aren't fortunate enough to work in a trendy open office like my balding colleague pictured above, who literally flanks my desk with full-to-moderately full bottles of alcohol, you probably have to be a lil' sneaky when dipping into the hooch during work.
Ingenious flask method for white-collar workers/Avril Lavigne enthusiasts!
If you are forced to wear a tie -- the noose of the 9-to-5 worker -- to your office every day, rejoice! The tie flask, meaning a flask that fits inside a stylish tie, exists and it's spectacular. Not even nosy Brenda from marketing will uncover your secret shame. Oh, and ladies: there's a fashionable scarf option for you! Although some women wear ties (Avril Lavigne immediately jumps to mind), so don't feel like you have to opt for the scarf just to adhere to heteronormative ideas of what a woman "should do."
Ingenious flask method for everyone else!
If you work at a hip open office that for some reason has banned drinking (looking at you Larry "Kissed the Boss' Wife at the X-Mas Party" from accounting), there's the startup staple basic hoodie with a flask inside. You'll get that Zuckerberg look, with Richard Branson levels of chutzpah.
Ingenious methods to make sure you don't smell!
With drinking in the workplace, smell is your enemy. Unfortunately, basically nothing covers up the smell of booze after the fact. But, if you do it right, your drink might not even smell in the first place. Out of all alcohols, gin has the least "oh shit that's booze!" smell, and if mixed right, can just give off a pleasant juniper smell. Or, you can swill your drinks with pungent mixers. Try some Emergen-C cocktails: they do a great job of suffocating the odor, and your boss will think your are extra sharp for thinking ahead, and trying to prevent any future sick days.
The movie theater
If there's one thing better than drinking on the beach, it's drinking while watching The Beach in a cool air-conditioned theater. But since they will never rerelease The Beach in theaters (despite my weekly letters to 20th Century Fox), there are (probably) other movies out there worth seeing. The biggest problem here is sneaking your booze past those nosy ticket-takers.
Ingenious "put it in your pocket" method!
Do you have a jacket? Yeah, put booze in there. They aren't going to pat you down dude. Ladies, use your purses. European men? Use your fancy attache cases.
Ingenious flask method!
OK, so it's summertime and you need to get creative because your coat gives you away. No worries. There's obviously a flask for that. In fact, there's a purse that is a giant flask. It's just that easy. And fashionable.
Ingenious DIY method!
Candy and movies go together like Katherine Heigl and horrible movies. Soak your gummy bears (or the gummy animals of your choice) in sweet, sweet alcohol for 24 hours, prior to your film date. Then eat them once inside the theater. And then just wait for Fifty Shades of Black to become hilarious. Or, if you're lazier, this is about as basic as it can be: airplane bottles. Giant $17 soda. Lime-flavored Sour Patch Kids on the rim. Boom. You just made a movie theater craft cocktail. Probably in a bathroom stall, but still...
Like almost anything besides having a heart attack, drinking is just better a mile above sea level in an aerodynamically designed metal tube.
Ingenious covert smuggling method!
Pro tip the first: you know those lil' liquor bottles they have on planes? Well, if you plan ahead, you can bring your own and save like $40. For the most part, they contain less liquid than the 100ml security standard. Stock up at your local liquor store! It's that easy! You did it! But listen. It's totally legal to bring those lil' bottles with you, but less so to crack them on the plane. What you choose to do with that knowledge is between you and the TSA.
Ingenious candy method!
Try the same gummy-bear trick you used at the movies. You can bring as many gummy bears on a plane as you wish, so long as they fit in the overhead baggage area.
Ingenious female sanitary flask method!
If for some reason you need to hide that you are bringing any liquor in at all (?) you can buy these precious gems -- they are little mini-flasks disguised as tampons. Just, again, remember that TSA thing.
Baseball is my favorite sport (aside from prison-rules curling, of course), but even I understand that America's pastime can be boring as fuck sometimes. You know what makes boring things fun? Alcohol. Trust me -- it's why/how I saw The English Patient twice in theaters.
Ingenious sporting-good-shaped flask method!
Few things to think about: the security rules at baseball games are now approaching airport-levels of scrutiny. Aside from the tips and tricks we've covered so far, the Glask, a -- you guessed it! -- hybrid glove/flask is essentially the only thing you need to bring your precious liquor to a baseball game, it will even pass through a metal detector.
Ingenious Little League flask method!
If you are sneaking booze into your kid's Little League game, you... might have issues. Or, you might be a hero? Not sure, ask me again when I have kids. Anyway, use this seat cushion flask and you will totally get away with it, even though there are plenty of meddling kids around.
Ingenious flask-that-looks-like-a-body-part method!
If you feel too cool to carry a glove to a baseball game (and you probably should) there are other options. Behold the WineRack, for ladies, which is exactly what it sounds like. For those without boobs, there's a male analogue called the Beerbelly... again, just figure it out.
Ingenious flask-that-looks-like-binoculars method!
If for some reason you don't want big wine-filled boobs, a big ol' beer belly, or to be holding a glove like a 12-year-old dork, these flask binoculars will do just fine. Also, you can use them at the opera, too. Because the drink prices at Don Giovanni are just exorbitant. But I'm sure you already know that.
If there's anything worse than listening to a 15-minute fiddle solo during the DMB concert your girlfriend dragged you to, it's paying for a $15 beer before listening to a 15-minute fiddle solo during the DMB concert your girlfriend dragged you to. Booze: helping you survive extended "Proudest Monkey" renditions since the '90s.
Ingenious flask-that-will-get-by-security method!
So most of the flasks that served you well at the movie theater and the baseball game should serve you well here. Two exceptions that may be worth trying at concerts in particular are the camera flask and the Apple-esque iFlask -- if someone asks you why you have two cellphones, simply tell them you are a noted drug dealer.
Ingenious covert in-your-pants method!
In lieu of the flask route, there is a way to get mostly anything into a concert. Um, people who definitely aren't me have used this method to get plenty of stuff past security: take your contraband, in this case, let's say its a common metal pocket flask. OK, first take off your pants (trust me, baby). Get a lil' bit of duct tape. Tape the flask to the inside of your pants so it lies flush against your private parts. Put a big ol' belt buckle on. Here you have a place where no security guard will ever grab (because of lawsuits and whatnot) and any metal-detecting wand will assume it's either your buckle or various other metal components in your trousers. I promise you. This works every time.
So, just plain drinking out in the street has its advantages. First of all, there are myriad places (in America, at least) where you can just booze up willy-nilly without discretion and totally get away with it. Also, for the most part, people aren't, like, looking to bust you. Oh, except the cops.
Ingeniously obvious method!
Obviously, you can just use any of the aforementioned flasks, or just put your secret sauce in a plain old coffee cup or soda cup.
Ingenious Soda Sleeve™ method!
Now, if you are a little gun-shy about just sipping booze out of a coffee cup (or if you just want to be extra tricksy) you can create a veritable "soda sheath," in about five minutes. People will assume you are drinking harmless (and delicious!) La Croix instead of a PBR. And you can reuse your Soda Sleeve™ as many times as you wish.
Funerals are sad by nature, so it should make sense to drink during their entirety, right? Well, it's not always that easy, especially outside of Ireland. And since funerals involve dead people, and dead people make living people sensitive, you might have to pull out the big guns in order to drink clandestinely at your next wake.
Ingenious fake-flask-baby method!
So, you can't bring a glove, a seat, or binoculars to a funeral -- so that nixes those flask options. You don't want your Aunt Linda making passive-aggressive remarks about your weight, so the Beerbelly is out. And as far as tie flasks go, well, nothing matches your suit that comes in a "flask" option. Clearly there is only one sane route to go: the baby flask. While an officially branded baby flask failed to reach its Kickstarter goals (somehow?), it should be easy enough to make one at home. Just open up a baby's head (a toy baby) and fill it with alcohol.
Ingenious playing-it-cool method!
Sure, some of your friends/family may be like, "Hey, I didn't know you have a kid?" but you can just cooly answer, "It's 2016 Aunt Linda, it's my body and I do what I want with it," while casually sipping rosé out of your plastic baby's plastic skull while refusing to let her hold it. I mean, it's a funeral. That's inappropriate.
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