31 Promises You Should Make to Your Bartender

Dancing on Bar
Nicole Fara Silver/Thrillist

Charging Phone
Nicole Fara Silver/Thrillist

1. I promise I won’t ask if you can charge up my phone, then ask for it back so I can check my messages, then ask you to plug it back in, then ask for it back...

2. I promise I won’t tell you that I used to bartend in college.

3. I promise I won't ask, "What do you do, though?"

4. I promise I won't dance on things that aren't the floor.

Selfie
Nicole Fara Silver/Thrillist

5. I promise I won’t make you take pictures of me and my friends.

6. I promise I won’t make you take pictures with me and my friends.

7. I promise I won’t ask, “What’s good here?” At the end of the day, isn’t the answer always “alcohol”?

8. I promise I won’t ask what you have on tap when the tap handles are right in front of my face.

9. I promise I won’t make you recite the entire bottle list before I decide to just have a vodka tonnie.

Finding that jacket
Nicole Fara Silver/Thrillist

10. I promise I won’t leave my jacket on an unattended banquette for two hours and then run around screaming, “Where is my jacket!? Where is my goddamn jacket!?” when it predictably disappears.

11. I promise I won’t ask you to “make me whatever” without even telling you which base spirit I prefer.

12. I promise I’ll make at least some attempt to control my obnoxious friend’s a-hole tendencies before he pisses off the rest of your customers.

13. I promise I won’t whistle for service. I cannot, however, promise that I won't whistle if “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” comes on the jukebox. Bobby McFerrin, yo.

Couple fights in bar
Nicole Fara Silver/Thrillist

14. I promise that when you try to calm down a fight between me and my girlfriend we won’t both start yelling at you. We need couples counseling!

15. I promise I won’t ask you how much money you make.

16. I promise I won’t say things like, “Bartender, huh? You must get laid all the time”. Honestly, it’s more awkward for me than it is for you.

17. I promise I won't hold you responsible for beer costing more than it did when I started drinking back in 1986.

Loud Talker
Nicole Fara Silver/Thrillist

18. I PROMISE I WON’T BE THAT GUY WHO TALKS LIKE THIS EVEN THOUGH MY FRIENDS ARE STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO ME!!!!!!!


19. (i promise i won’t be that guy who talks like this when he’s ordering drinks.)
 

Cutting in line at the bar
Nicole Fara Silver/Thrillist

20. I promise I won’t get pissed if, in the heat of battle, you mistakenly serve someone who hasn’t been waiting as long as me. I might get pissed at them though -- they know what they did.

21. I promise I’ll use a plastic cup instead of a pint glass for my Copenhagen/Skoal/Grizzly.

22. I promise I won’t do anything in the bathroom other than what god intended me to do in the bathroom.

Grabbing garnishes
Nicole Fara Silver/Thrillist

23. I promise I won’t stick my hand in the garnish tray.

24. I promise I won’t insist I said “soda” when I totally know that I said “tonic.”

25. I promise I won’t say, “I know the owner” like I saved his life in Vietnam or something.

26. I promise I’ll never tip in change.

27. I promise I won’t say, “In Europe, they don’t tip.”

Buying drinks for a crowd
Nicole Fara Silver/Thrillist

28. I promise I won’t say, “Put their drinks on my tab” and then randomly point in the general direction of like 30 people.

29. I promise I won’t get pissed if you cut me off. I know that it's the best thing for me, and the best thing for America.

30. I promise I won’t fall asleep or near-asleep on or near the premises.

31. I promise I won’t steal the glassware. Who am I kidding, I will definitely steal the glassware.


Special thanks to Goodnight Sonny for the location, and Jamie Sebena for #28.