31 Promises You Should Make to Your Bartender
1. I promise I won’t ask if you can charge up my phone, then ask for it back so I can check my messages, then ask you to plug it back in, then ask for it back...
2. I promise I won’t tell you that I used to bartend in college.
3. I promise I won't ask, "What do you do, though?"
4. I promise I won't dance on things that aren't the floor.
5. I promise I won’t make you take pictures of me and my friends.
6. I promise I won’t make you take pictures with me and my friends.
7. I promise I won’t ask, “What’s good here?” At the end of the day, isn’t the answer always “alcohol”?
8. I promise I won’t ask what you have on tap when the tap handles are right in front of my face.
9. I promise I won’t make you recite the entire bottle list before I decide to just have a vodka tonnie.
10. I promise I won’t leave my jacket on an unattended banquette for two hours and then run around screaming, “Where is my jacket!? Where is my goddamn jacket!?” when it predictably disappears.
11. I promise I won’t ask you to “make me whatever” without even telling you which base spirit I prefer.
12. I promise I’ll make at least some attempt to control my obnoxious friend’s a-hole tendencies before he pisses off the rest of your customers.
13. I promise I won’t whistle for service. I cannot, however, promise that I won't whistle if “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” comes on the jukebox. Bobby McFerrin, yo.
14. I promise that when you try to calm down a fight between me and my girlfriend we won’t both start yelling at you. We need couples counseling!
15. I promise I won’t ask you how much money you make.
16. I promise I won’t say things like, “Bartender, huh? You must get laid all the time”. Honestly, it’s more awkward for me than it is for you.
17. I promise I won't hold you responsible for beer costing more than it did when I started drinking back in 1986.
18. I PROMISE I WON’T BE THAT GUY WHO TALKS LIKE THIS EVEN THOUGH MY FRIENDS ARE STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO ME!!!!!!!
19. (i promise i won’t be that guy who talks like this when he’s ordering drinks.)
20. I promise I won’t get pissed if, in the heat of battle, you mistakenly serve someone who hasn’t been waiting as long as me. I might get pissed at them though -- they know what they did.
21. I promise I’ll use a plastic cup instead of a pint glass for my Copenhagen/Skoal/Grizzly.
22. I promise I won’t do anything in the bathroom other than what god intended me to do in the bathroom.
23. I promise I won’t stick my hand in the garnish tray.
24. I promise I won’t insist I said “soda” when I totally know that I said “tonic.”
25. I promise I won’t say, “I know the owner” like I saved his life in Vietnam or something.
26. I promise I’ll never tip in change.
27. I promise I won’t say, “In Europe, they don’t tip.”
28. I promise I won’t say, “Put their drinks on my tab” and then randomly point in the general direction of like 30 people.
29. I promise I won’t get pissed if you cut me off. I know that it's the best thing for me, and the best thing for America.
30. I promise I won’t fall asleep or near-asleep on or near the premises.
31. I promise I won’t steal the glassware. Who am I kidding, I will definitely steal the glassware.
Special thanks to Goodnight Sonny for the location, and Jamie Sebena for #28.