Food & Drink

These massive Final Four team Bloody Marys are more ridiculous than Verne Lundquist

Final Four Bloody Marys
Sarah Jayne Pickart

When we asked Sarah Jayne Pickart, the mastermind behind Wild & Crazy Gourmet Bloody Marys, to make our dream come true – a dream fueled by March Madness and the desire to see if she could make a Bloody bigger than the last one she made us – we were rewarded for our boozy aspirations with way more than we expected.

The Wisconsin native created four extravagant, beautiful dranks, each inspired by a Final Four team. And then she somehow combined them all into one glass, which should be impossible. Behold her creations:

Badgers Bloody Mary
Sarah Jayne Pickart

THE BADGERS' BLOODY (WISCONSIN)
The Badger starts with a whole brat (obviously) – specifically, a “Green Bay Packers”-inspired jalapeño and cheddar wurst boiled in beer and grilled, then served on a bun with kraut, onions, and mustard. The other Racing Sausages (chorizo, polish sausage, Italian sausage, and a hot dog) were also placed on properly-sized buns and inserted. The tube meats were then joined by corn on the cob; a beer-battered perch sandwich (freshly caught on Lake Winnebago!) with tartar sauce, cheddar, and lettuce; deep-fried white cheddar cheese curds; a tiny bread bowl filled with venison chili; and bacon. That’s it!… for the hot food.

Non-hot garnishments include fresh cheese curds; a mozzarella cheese whip; a meat-and-cheese skewer featuring pepper jack, cranberry white cheddar, super-aged sharp cheddar and crackers; a slew of pickled vegetables; a radish, a cucumber slice and other supper-club-esque fresh veggies; a Johnsonville garlic Summer sausage slice; a spicy venison stick; teriyaki beef jerky; a cup of German potato salad; a cup of coleslaw; and for dessert, a miniature ice cream cone featuring Lou’s Butter Pecan Pie from Kelly’s Country Creamery in Eden, WI.

To round everything out, there's an Old Fashioned shooter and a glass of New Glarus Spotted Cow (available only in Wisconsin), served on the side. This Bloody certainly wins its division.

Gators Bloody Mary
Sarah Jayne Pickart

THE GATORS' BLOODY (FLORIDA)
Open your mouth wide – this Bloody starts with a Cuban sandwich slider of pulled pork, ham, pepper jack cheese, pickles, and chipotle mayo on a toasty bun, which is not to be outdone by the other slider of pan-fried grouper, lettuce, capers, and tartar on a bun, or the other other slider featuring a crab cake, lettuce, tomato, pepper jack, bacon, avocado, red onion, and spicy remoulade sauce. Also on a bun. Fritters made of conch meat, peppers, onions, and celery were lovingly hand-rolled into small balls and deep-fried – a gator tail was also deep-fried, skewered, and stuck in. Fatty crab legs and a claw dangle properly on the side of the glass.

There is obviously more food in there, like a mini-slice of key lime pie with whipped cream, a skewer of key limes for aesthetic and state-pride reasons, hearts of palm (also known as swamp cabbage), and a tiny cup of mango salsa with some tortilla chip bits. Rounding things out are a spoonful of seafood ceviche, a hunk of fresh coconut on the shell, and jumbo shrimp. There's also a mojito, you know, if you get thirsty.

Wildcats Bloody Mary
Sarah Jayne Pickart

THE WILDCATS' BLOODY (KENTUCKY)
This concoction starts with the official-enough sandwich of the Kentucky Derby, a Hot Brown Slider -- an open-faced bun topped with turkey, bacon, Mornay sauce, pimentos, and tomato. Saddled up next to it is Kentucky Fried Chicken, a mini bread-bowl of Burgoo (a stew of beef, pork, mutton, and veggies), tea sandwiches slathered with Benedictine spread, a cup of cheese grits, and some miniature sweet potato pies dressed up with marshmallow-sauced sour cream and toasted maple pecans. Breathe, there is another paragraph of ingredients.

Cold fare includes a miniature “Derby Pie” slice with whipped cream and a fresh blackberry; a skewer of blackberries, sheep cheese, garlic-and-chive goat cheese; pickled okra and other preserved veggies; some strawberry rhubarb bread pudding; and likely more vegetables (we’re sure they're in there somewhere).

A mint julep shooter of Kentucky bourbon, sugar, muddled mint, and cherry will help wash down the edibles, because it will take a while to find the Bloody Mary underneath them.

Huskies Bloody Mary
Sarah Jayne Pickart

THE HUSKIES' BLOODY (CONNECTICUT)
This one starts with a tiny bread bowl of New England clam chowder, a pint-sized lobster roll featuring a gorgeous claw nestled on a bed of lettuce and drizzled in butter, and a classic hamburger slider. Then there is an Apizza -- a thin crust, flatbread-style pizza with white garlic sauce, cheese, and clams… and more clams, steamed on the shell. There's also a tiny bucket of clam bake, made of clams, other seafood, veggies, broth, corn on the cob, bacon, and toasted bread.

Don't forget about the piece of Election Cake – a fruitcake topped with whipped cream and nutmeg, a Subway sub (because they started there, fools), and to wash it all down, a tiny Manhattan.

And when you put these four together, you get this:

Final Four Bloody Marys
Sarah Jayne Pickart

THE BLOODY STANDARD
Every Bloody Mary above, in addition to the ingredients noted, included the following: fresh celery, a cucumber slice, a carrot stick, lemon and lime wheels, a green onion, a cherry tomato, and a pickled goodness skewer. What's that you ask? It's a dill pickle, a black olive, a garlic-stuffed olive, a blue cheese-stuffed olive, an almond-stuffed olive, pickled garlic/brussels sprouts/peperoncini/cauliflower/ carrot/onion/celery/mushroom/corn/dilly bean/asparagus/green tomato. And a cherry pepper.

No one's walking away with a billion of Buffett's money, but any of these Bloodies are a damn good consolation prize for all us losers.