It took a while, but apparently the spirit of Teddy Roosevelt has found a new body, and he's a total badass. His name is James Grant, he hails from New Zealand, and he's been known to casually stitch himself up after a shark attack... then head to a bar.
Grant was fishing with some buddies when a shark swam up and chomped into his leg. Naturally, he stabbed nature's greatest predator (second-greatest now) with his diving knife until it swam off, but Grant received a nasty wound that he probably called "a scratch". So he decided to swim to shore and, since he's a junior doctor, sew himself up using the first aid kit he keeps for his pig-hunting dogs, which are definitely a thing.
And because he's a junior doctor, he knew he needed the right painkiller... which is why he and his buddies went straight to Colac Bay Tavern, knocking back a pint before heading to the hospital. Grant has yet to choose a medical specialty, but if he fails his exams he has a definite future as Bear Grylls' field medic... if Grant can stand playing second fiddle to that wuss.
Kristin Hunt is a food/drink staff writer for Thrillist, and has spent years trying to reunite the California Raisins to no avail. Follow her at @kristin_hunt.