To figure out the biggest signs that you’re taking your wine way too seriously (and kind of ruining it for the rest of us), we enlisted Lo and Tee of the web series The Grape Girls, a site all about exploring love of wine without being a pretentious ass. Feel free to print it out and hang it in your wine locker for reference.
You make “the face” when tasting, smelling, or swirling your wine
You know the one -- that face that looks like a cross between trying to solve the world’s most challenging math problem and painful constipation. It’s a face best paired with a monocle and an ascot. But here’s the thing: nothing makes a wine exploration reek more than a farty face and an attitude to match. We’re not saying don’t smell it. Smell it all damn day. We know how wine talks back when sniffed and swirled We just wish your face wasn’t so loud about it. It’s wine, not a silent movie.
You insist on being a wine history professor
You’re at the dinner party. Your throat is dry. You just want to take a sip of the deliciously crisp pinot grigio you’ve been holding for the past 20 effing minutes because the pretentious windbag in front of you won’t shut up about minerality. It’s not that we don’t care. Look, we can discuss rocks and dirt with the best of them. However, holding wine hostage while you wax poetic on stones and fruit and stone fruit? That’s rude. And dangerous: If your audience doesn’t die of thirst within the next 10 minutes, you will. It won’t be of thirst, though: they’ll probably kill you.
Your worst pickup line is about wine
We all know a good bad pickup line. We all know a bad bad pickup line. Mix it with wine and what do you have? A sad sort of disaster that not even a mother could love. “You must be a Pinot. Why? Because you’re breakin’ my heart.” This is only kind of funny to those aware of the fact that the pinot noir grape has dubbed it the “heartbreak grape” due to its fickle nature. The true disaster reveals itself, not in the actual explanation (that part is adorable), but in the fact that there is a person in this world using wine terms as a means of desperate banter. You, sir, are gross. Next.
Your best pickup line is about wine
You’re out with friends, dressed to kill (or at the very least get a free glass or two of chard), laughing and dancing the night away. You slip away from the group for an oh-so-brief moment to freshen up (either yourself or your chardonnay) and suddenly, out of nowhere -- like a bad hangover or a Ricky Martin song -- you’re cornered by 170lbs of pure wine snob. “I was JUST in Napa last weekend wine tasting with my brother and the somm popped an $800 bottle of sauvignon blanc that would make whatever you’re drinking seem like cat pee on a gooseberry bush. I just had to buy a case for my wine locker. Wanna come back and do a little private tasting?” You lost us at “cat pee on a gooseberry bush”, buddy.
You have a wine locker
Now, don’t get us wrong. We believe in wine ALL of the wine. In our dreams, we would have an entire floor in our headquarters stocked with thousands of wines from all over the planet and secret entry codes and fingerprint scanners and wine trivia games and a 24-hour wine expert on hand. Preferably shirtless. However, don’t have said wine-haven (yet). But also because we believe wine is meant to be consumed, not stored. Save the lockers for the gym, my friend, and hit up a BevMo on the regular.
Your tastes are dictated by price tags
I don’t know about you, but we have had some pretty remarkable, complex, party-on-your-palate wines for $20 bucks or less. And yeah, sure, sometimes you gotta splurge on a bottle you really love. But an $800 bottle? That doesn’t necessarily make you a fancy-pants or a know-it-all. It just makes you either super financially stable or super fiscally irresponsible, and whichever it is, you’re going to never shut up about how much you spend on wine.
You only drink the wine you brought to the party
Additionally, you make everyone suffer through all the boring details about how you “discovered” the wine from a farmer you met while trudging through Italian hillsides on your trip abroad last summer. And while we are certain that your wine must be soooo much better than ours because it took a plane, a boat, and a partridge in a pear tree to get it here, we’re going to stick to our Trader Joe’s bottles we brought. You know, to share. Not to drone on about.
You use words like "malolactic," "terroir," and "tannin"... with an accent
Look, we’re smart. We educate ourselves. We keep up on the latest political news as well as the latest fashions. And we love talking about wine just as much as the next person. But if we need a thesaurus to carry on a conversation with you, you’ve officially lost us and our toasty little buzz. So hey, Diedre from Delaware... put down the dictionary of big, impressive words. Nobody knows what they mean, no one understands you, and no one on the daily is really all that concerned. Also, and last we checked, Delaware accents don’t sound like French.
Not only have you made everyone sit through The Complete Works of How This Wine Got Here: Unabridged, but now we have to sit through a never-ending Q&A session about said wine? No one has ever been intrigued by this party banter: “How long has it aged? What’s the aging process? Steel barrel or oak? When were the grapes harvested? What’s the soil like in the area? Were the grapes harvested on a Tuesday in the sun with a cool breeze of 65 degrees coming out of the north?”
Every photo on your Instagram feed is a shot of a bottle and a half-full glass
In our opinion, the only thing worse than a feed full of selfies is a feed full of unconsumed vino. It’s there. It’s popped. It’s dying to be consumed, not photographed. Your feed is extremely boring and unoriginal. Also, just drink the damn wine. Maybe some of its robustness can “robust” itself into your personality.
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