What your office coffee routine says about you

drinking coffee in the office
All photos by Anthony Humphreys

The way you drink coffee at the office reveals plenty about your true character, 'cause when your brain is banshee-screaming for caffeine, you don't have time to worry about silly things like "social norms” and "why the hell has my eyelid been twitching like this for the past six hours?". But while YOU may not care what your coffee routine looks like (as long as you get yours), your coworkers surely do. Find out what they're saying about your java-junkie ways behind your back.

drinking coffee in the office

When the office gets new K-Cup flavors, you review them for your coworkers
You think “Blue Ridge Dark Night” has a more subtle flavor profile than “Early Morning Edition”, and PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW THIS.

You express shock about how much sugar your coworkers pour into their coffee… while they’re pouring it
Listen, health nut -- back away slowly, or be stabbed in the eyeball with this wooden stirrer. Your choice.

You grind your own beans
Don’t worry, that doesn’t bother anybody. It’s just a bean grinder in an office. Definitely keep doing it a lot while people work.

You actually talk about how people should have low expectations of you because you haven’t had your coffee yet
They do have low expectations... of your conversational skills. Also, there’s a machine right there, so drink some coffee. It’s super easy.

drinking coffee in the office

You “just can’t” drink anything besides Starbucks
Conveniently, the closest outpost is 20 minutes from the office. But hey -- it’s called a coffee break, right? (Everyone hates you.)

You prefer your coffee like your men/women
Oh man! This hilarious, not-at-all-childish joke never gets old! Or offensive! Right, you guys?!

Espressos only
You’re extremely sophisticated. Or you’re pronouncing it “expresso”. Either way, you’re probably reading this on your phone while pacing around like a maniac.

You consider gas station/street cart/bodega coffee to be a totally viable option
Either your taste buds have been seared shut from years of guzzling piping-hot motor oil or you actually prefer that taste, which is somehow more troubling.

drinking coffee in the office

After buying a to-go cup in the morning, you refill it throughout the day
“Sure, it was full of cappuccino this morning, but now it’s got basic drip under the lid. So what?” So it’s deteriorating in your hand, you vagrant. Just get a hilarious "Bad to the Oboe-nes" mug, like everyone else.

You never make a new pot
You will crawl on the floor back to your desk to avoid anyone noticing that you drank the last cup without replacing it. You must be stopped.

Someone took “your” mug, and you think it’s appropriate to send a company-wide email about it
You’re totally not a control freak. As long as someone returns that mug you use everyday, that everyone knows is basically yours, you won’t even ask who took it in the first place. You politely ask coworkers not to reply-all with mocking GIFs, and they ignore you.

drinking coffee in the office

Every morning, you roll in with a full travel mug
Yep, everyone wants to hear more about your morning commute (longer than theirs) and your coffee (more economical than theirs). Keep it coming.

You drink bottled “coffee beverages” because you’re “cutting back”
Wait, explain again how that calorie-laden Frappuccino is healthier than a coffee?

You hide your mixer of choice (soy milk, almond milk, half-and-half, etc.) so it lasts longer
You are a cruel, calculating, selfish mastermind, and you are not to be trifled with. Also, you are a terror to be around when planning Easter egg hunts for children.

drinking coffee in the office

You brought in your own French press or Chemex
When people refer to you as a “connoisseur”, you take it as a compliment and swell with pride. It’s not, and you definitely shouldn't.

You drink iced coffee all Winter, hot coffee all Summer, or both
You are clearly cold-blooded, which intimidates your boss. Congratulations: you just slithered your way into a bad review!

You only get limited-edition coffees
“OMG, #PSL?”

Dave Infante is a senior writer for Thrillist and is pretty damn sure all the K-cups here taste the exact same. Follow along on the Twits: @dinfontay.